Christine McGuinness used to "pray every night" that she "wouldn't wake up in the morning".
Christine McGuinness used to 'pray every night' that she 'wouldn't wake up in the morning'
The 36-year-old model was diagnosed with autism in 2021, but admits she experienced trauma during her younger years due to not being diagnosed earlier, and she considered taking her own life "an awful lot".
Speaking on podcast 'Big Fish with Spencer Matthews', she said: "My late teens was where it was really, really difficult.
"I had years of just thoughts, just passing thoughts, you know 'I just don't want to wake up anymore'.
"I'd pray every night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning."
Asked if she'd ever considered how she might end her life, she said: "I thought about it a lot, I thought about it an awful lot.
"There were times when I took every tablet. My mum had a cupboard with all the medicine in.
"And I didn't physically take them, but I would take them out of the cupboard and take them up to my bedroom and think 'OK, I'm just going to do this tonight, I'm just going to get it over and done with.' "
Fortunately, Christine was always interrupted by a family member at a crucial time.
She added: "It was like something would always happen. Whether it would be my brother shouting at me to go and help him on his Xbox or my sister asking what outfit she should wear.
"It felt like someone would always interrupt me or disturb me.
"It was a really, really low time. It's not something that I'm completely OK with, that I even thought like that, because that would have been absolutely devastating for my mum."
Christine - who has children Leo and Penelope, 10, and Felicity, seven, who all have autism, with her ex-husband Paddy McGuinness - broke down in tears earlier this month, as she told how the thought of dying "absolutely petrifies" her.
Speaking on BBC show 'Pilgrimage' - in which she starred alongside former 'Made in Chelsea' star Spencer - an emotional Christine said: "I just don't know what I'd do without my kids.
"I don't know what I'd do without my babies.
"I just wanted to come back and look at the church again and really appreciate it, because I don't enjoy the feeling of death.
"As a mum it absolutely petrifies me. My biggest fear is leaving my children one day.
"My children are considered different because they're all autistic and so am I, and I have often had comments like, 'I bet you wish there was a cure or something to fix your children,' and I really don't.
"I think every single child is a miracle. But it just makes me want to be around forever because they're so magical."
The star also admitted she "wouldn't be here" if she didn't have her children.
She added: "It is my purpose in life and I know I wouldn't be here if I didn't have my children.
"I just don't know what I'd do without my kids, and I also don't know what they'd do without me, It scares me. It really does."
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