Did My Best Friend Sleep With My Ex?

18 July 2007

nikki asks :

My good friend of 4 years moved up to my city about a month ago. Up until then I saw her every few months for weekends as she lived in other towns with her now soon to be ex husband. A gorgeous guy I had been on a few dates with suddenly stopped returning my calls or texting me even though things were going brilliantly. Turning to my mate for guidance I suggested she call him as a concerned friend (she'd met him too when we first clicked) to find out what was going on, and for an explanation or to sort things oug. All the while he was on speaker so I could hear him say the crappy excuse "well it was getting serious blah blah blah...".After that I went home. Between that phone call and the next morning, the guy had rang my friend back at night, gone round to her house and stayed there drinking without me knowing. The next morning I came back to my friend's house as I'd forgotten something. My friend wasn't expecting me. I rang her first but she didn't answer although she was home, so I knocked on the door, she answered, fully clothed and I asked her if she'd seen a pair of jeans. She just said no, maybe they're upstairs. I went upstairs, walked into her room to find the guy fully clothed in her bed! Granted, it's the only bed in the house but when I challenged her about whether she'd had sex with him, she accused me of being ridiculous and asked me to leave if I didn't calm down. Her argument was that he'd come round to discuss me and that he'd spent the night drunk, trying it on with her but she ordered him to either go to bed and sleep or she'd order a taxi. She even said that she'd pee'd in a glass in the kitchen because she was scared to go upstairs and wake him in case he tryed it on with her again. When I told her it was out of order to have him around and not tell me she accused me of being ungrateful and that I should have thanked her for trying to help me. Since then I've fallen out because alot of friends have said she's lying and untrustworthy but I don't know. I've ignored her calls and texts, she's not apologised or thought she was doing anything wrong by inviting him round - she even shook hands with him and suggested us all meeting up for drinks, even though earlier she thought he'd treated me appallingly by having sex with me then just dropping me. Am I being oversensitive or am I doing the right thing ending the friendship? I wouldn't have treated her this way...... Confused and Humiliated

Yin replies

You may feel very betrayed by your friend, but this is not something to end such a great friendship over. Within a friendship there should be a certain degree of trust, and you should be able to talk to each other, even about awkward things. Has she ever done anything to betray you before? She has been doing you a favour and it has resulted in her losing you as a friend. And look how much she is making an effort to speak to you - which you are ignoring. Don't throw your friendship away, especially over a jerk of a bloke who has treated you badly anyway.

Yang replies

In all honesty you're making a foolish mistake. What sort of a friend lets a man get inbetween their friendship? As you said he treated you badly and for a mate to sleep with an ex would be a complete no-no. But you can't proove that she has. You can speculate and accuse, but if your friend is telling the truth then you have cut all ties with her and falsely accused her, when all she has been doing is trying to help you. What's to say that she wouldn't have told you that he had been round once he had gone? You won't know though, because you've not spoken to her and you saw them in the morning and assumed it was all a big secret. Don't be so stupid and at least talk to her.