Moira Doesn’t Know Why She’s Not Riddled With Guilt

29 March 2012

Moira O'Connel asks :

I am currently very into a guy with a girlfriend. He's very persuasive, every time I try to forget him (I've asked him to back off because I didn’t want to fall for him) he's there again.
I’ve just got out of a long relationship and don't want anything with emotional messiness. I would never have believed I’d get involved like this; it has been going on for a few months, I know he's cheated before.
Am I being ridiculous? I haven’t slept with him yet, I’d love to, but I'm worried I might not cope with it too well as generally speaking I have very high morals. I don’t know why I'm not riddled with guilt...but now I want to see him increasingly, but don’t think I feel anything for him other than the thrill of it and the flattering attention...any advice?

Yin replies

However persuasive he is, don’t let this guy get in to your knickers! Anyone who cheats on his girlfriend in this way will cheat on you. He sounds like someone who needs the excitement and so once he gets comfortable with you, he’ll find it elsewhere.
Having said that, why not say to him that you’ll consider sleeping with him but only after he’s split up with his girlfriend and you’ve had some dates without it being something risky.
See if he’s even patient enough to take that approach. The last thing you want is to sleep with him and then find out that you get more involved than you intended to, he starts to really matter to you and you can’t then get him.
It just spells out H U R T. For both you and the girlfriend. He’s the one getting the most of any deal here. Don’t cave in. He’s probably thinking it’s only a matter of time.

Yang replies

Get with it Moira. You’re full of contradictions. You have very high morals but you’ve got as far as ‘not sleeping with him’? Isn’t seeing him bad enough if you know he’s got a girlfriend?
You say you’re not riddled with guilt, probably because you desire him in a lustful way. You’d probably feel guilty if you went the step further though.
It sounds as though it’s something that would be short-lived and would burn out very quickly. Find something else to thrill you for a while, take a step back and just focus on having a bit of you time after getting out of a long-term relationship.