Rachel Seabright asks :
My son is on remand for assault and alleged rape. I know he didn't do the latter. His court case isn't till September. I could bail him out but I don’t want to.
He has always behaved in a risky way, running in with the law frequently and having money problems. He is 27 and describes his days as boring and seems fine when he phones.
However, now he says I should bail him out and if I don’t he won't bother me anymore and that's it between me and him. I want him to think twice before he gets in risky situations again. Am I wrong?
Yin replies
A very difficult situation for any mother - but in refusing to help your son, you truly believe that you are helping him in the long run. Even if it results in your relationship breaking down, you are prepared to sacrifice his love for you by doing what you know he needs.
Is that not, after all, what a mother’s love is all about? You shouldn’t feel bad. Even when they’re newborns, you’re having to make choices for them that they might not like but then they’re dependent on you.
The point is, at 27, your son shouldn’t still be dependent on you but he is. It’s not your fault – he’s been old enough to make his own choices since he was 16. It’s the easy option for him to pile on the emotional blackmail but you’re right – it won’t help matters for him in the long run.
Have you thought about writing him a letter or sitting him down to explain why you won’t bail him out this time? Have you actually used the words, ‘because I love you, because I want the best for you in the long run.’?
I don’t know enough about the situation but are there ways you could help that tie in with this probation officer if he is found guilty?
Yang replies
How is it that you could bail him out? Financially? With a false alibi? I’m not sure what you’re getting at.
How do you know he didn’t commit rape? If you know he didn’t, then that’s the only part of this you should be helping him with, because being found guilty of rape - if he’s innocent - will make all the difference to his future recovery.
Sending him to prison for a rape conviction is not a punishment a mother needs on her conscience, not if she knows he is innocent. If you do.
He sounds like he’s landed himself in all sorts of trouble and has, as you say, got himself into many risky situations. You need to keep yourself out of this, for your sake and for his sake.
Tell him you’ll always be there for him but can only support him when you are confident that he is mature enough to avoid such situations
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