Sarah Cheated But Is Now The One With Trust Issues

12 March 2012

sarah asks :

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 2 years now but we broke up for a month or so in-between because I cheated with my ex who just played games with me and didn’t even want me when I got dumped. I soon realised I lost the best thing in my life,
I tried so hard to get my man back. He eventually put his trust back in me but recently I found messages on facebook to another girl that had been going on for months but he claimed he had been hacked on FB and has now blocked her but I still doubt he was hacked coz there were no messages telling her to sodd off.
Since then I’ve had trust issues really bad and it’s ruining us. And then I found porn on his laptop, which basically topped it off for me. I feel like I’m going crazy.
I don’t trust him - not even when he just goes out with friends. I love him so much and cant bare to be with out him but can this work with out trust, can I trust him again like he did me?

Yin replies

Oh the curse of Facebook. Try not to torture yourself with looking at other people’s social networking sites. It’s spying, and it’s not healthy in relationships. If someone is doing something disloyal, it’ll come out sooner or later and it’s better for it to come out naturally than by being forced through spying. You then spied on his laptop, and found what you were looking for - but didn’t want to find. Is Porn something you’ve talked about and he knows you don’t feel comfortable with - or is it the idea of it you’re unhappy about. Which is it - the reality or the idea of it that you don’t like? Some women react badly to their partners watching Porn just because they think they should; but they later realise they’re not actually bothered, or even like it themselves and can watch it together. You’ve identified your biggest issue here - that is, trusting him.
Of course you don’t trust him - because you’re judging him by your own standards. You were the one who cheated and so you think he’s going to; either because you deserve it or because you think everyone cheats at some point, because you have.
To gain any trust in him, you’re going to have to accept what you did, accept what you’ve found on his laptop and social networks, and accept that he isn’t bound to cheat just because you did.
Cheating often comes from feeling insecure and to be honest, you sound like the one who’s insecure here, not him. I doubt he’ll give you anything to worry about unless you push him and keep spying on him. Eventually, people will live up to our expectations of them – even if they are really low expectations.

Yang replies

What are you doing, calling yourself his girlfriend and then snooping around, looking at his messages and laptop? If you have an issue with him, tell him. Don’t snoop. Would you read or check these if he was in the room? No. Probably not. So act like he’s there, when he’s not there.
Bring up the subject of Porn and talk about it - ask him what sort of things he likes, kind of showing you’re open minded and that Porn isn’t something to hide. Don’t let on you’ve looked at his Porn and just try to encourage him to be less secretive.
As for Facebook, you don’t know what was going on there and considering you have cheated on him, I wouldn’t point any daggers at him – you seem to be in the lucky position of being taken back with open arms. Ease off with the pressure and cyber stalking and cut your man some slack!