Sian wants to stand up to her controlling friend

22 August 2011

Sian asks :

Me and my friend, Rosie have a very close friend who is very controlling and very patronising, she makes us feel belittled and uneasy. She sometimes puts us down and makes us feel like bad people, she talks us into doing things we dont want to. We want to tell her how we feel but we cant stand up for ourselves and are worried of her reaction, so we just let her walk all over us, but we've realised now that something needs to be done but we dont know what. Help?

Yin replies

When you say this girl is a friend, and yet she’s making you feel put down and that you’re bad people, surely this must raise a question in your mind about how worthy she is of being your friend?
That said, if you’re determined to remain friends with her because you feel that she has a better side sometimes, then perhaps you do need to stand up for yourselves and let her know how you are feeling. You might be surprised at her reaction.
She wouldn’t be the first person to have a wake-up call. What I would say is, don’t send her an email or a message through social media. If you’re going to confront this problem you need to sit down with her in person, warn her beforehand that you have something serious you both need to talk about with her, and be clear from the outset that the purpose of your get-together isn’t to upset, offend or push her out of your group of friends, but to try to rescue a situation that is leaving you both feeling bad.
If you simply can’t face speaking to her at first, then carefully construct a letter to her, sticking to the main reasons for you both feeling upset, and giving her a chance to respond.
If you want to retain the relationship then you must make it clear over and over again that you are sure she doesn’t intend to make you feel this way, and you want to be good friends so you felt it important to be honest.
One thing though, be prepared for some fireworks, some defensive behaviour, even some harsh comeback, and even be prepared for the friendship to end – possibly not forever but she may need a cooling-off period where she gets her thoughts together.
Give her that space and don’t make any ultimatums. If she comes back at you with excuses, don’t just respond to each excuse, say you understand but it still makes you feel this way. I hope that makes sense and wish you luck.

Yang replies

She obviously has a self-inflated sense of her own importance. Every friendship group has one of these people and I doubt you’ll ever make her see sense.
She’s obviously grown up with this confidence, possibly had it instilled in her by her parents, and nothing you say will make any difference. If you know she’s bad for you though, why are you even bothered about doing something? Just cut her loose.
You can do without friends who make you feel bad – that’s not really the point of friendship, is it? Either write to her and tell her you would rather not see her anymore because of personal reasons, or just stop answering her calls or meeting her – she’ll get the message eventually and if she’s got a decent bone in her body, she may even ask you what’s wrong!