ammu asks :
I have been married for about 21 years and now I’m attracted to a married man in my office. I rarely speak to him and I don’t know why I feel this way. I would like to be friends with him as I could imagine like becoming very close friends. I don’t want to have an affair.
Please help me, I am confused and want to put an end to these strange feelings.
Yin replies
Firstly, congratulations on staying married for 21 years and, by the sounds of it, you have always been faithful. It’s a real achievement, especially in today’s society where infidelity is so common. You say you are attracted to a married man in your office but then seem to say you only want to be friends – so I don’t know really know what you’re asking. Perhaps you have come to a point in your marriage where you need to get close again and strengthen your bond. It’s obviously a strong bond to keep you together this long but there is nothing uncommon in couples needing to communicate better after 20 years, and focus on how your relationship has evolved and what the next years will hold. Some people renew their vows, others take a second honeymoon for a bit of escapism.
Perhaps you need to talk to your husband about what you can do to celebrate your marriage. And perhaps you should see no harm in wanting to be close friends with a colleague – just ask yourself whether you are looking to him to fill a gap that isn’t being filled by your husband because you clearly don’t want friendship to lead to something physical and, if you’re attracted to this man, it could easily happen if you’re feeling disillusioned. It’s a common problem though, and not something to worry about – just something to take action on before your feelings for this man at work cloud your judgement on your feelings for your husband.
Something new is always exciting but it sounds as if you know that, and you want to renew your marriage. Think about a light-hearted, fun way to start a conversation with your husband. Sometimes, it’s just got to be down to one partner to put the fizz back and then the other partner will follow suit.
Yang replies
Stay away from the man at work! It’s obvious what you’re thinking – what’s harmful about a friendship with a colleague? If you weren’t admitting to the feelings you have being ‘strange’ I would think you were safe to talk to this man and become friends but it’s obvious that you know one thing will probably lead to another.
Don’t read too much in to the feelings you have. You want more excitement, like lots of other women. You might think you can become close friends with this man but isn’t your husband a close friend? I suspect you know that close friends isn’t all you would become. Would your husband feel comfortable with you and this colleague becoming close friends? Doubtful. You’re playing with fire.
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