Abi asks :
Hi Lucy,
Have I lost the real him? Me and my boyfriend were together 3 years and got engaged in Paris only a few months ago I've never been so happy. But within a few months I panicked with how fast everything was going and broke it off, said a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have and left the house. After getting advice with mum she said it’s normal to panic and made me see how stupid I was to worry so I tried to get back together with him. He'd changed. I know he was heartbroken from the breakup but I'd never suspect he'd become a different person. He was always gentle, caring and so in love with me. Now he was drinking every night, he'd slept with another girl and had become so distant. After a while and a lot of pain we decided to get back together. But he's not the same, he doesn't show me affection and I feel quite unwanted like he's not bothered about me. It doesn't help that he'd acquired a new friend from work, a female, continually texting her and it's so heart-breaking to see the attention that girl gets. One night I went into his phone and found messages to and from them like; miss you, love you to etc. Obviously I suspected the worst but he reassured me there was nothing going on he just needed that sort of attention when I left. But that's attention he should be getting from me. I've tried everything I can think of to re-spark our love but he doesn't seem bothered, I don't get an 'I love you' or a hug unless I ask for one. Will he return, the real him? Not this stranger. I feel alone, I don't want to keep bringing it up in case he gets annoyed and leaves but I'm so unhappy just dwelling on it. Every day now I'm becoming more and more heartbroken. Please help.
Our Reply
Hi Abi,
Your mum is right; many people panic after they get engaged as it’s a big decision to make and a lot of planning comes afterwards as you get ready for the wedding. Getting married is one of the most stressful things you can do and so gearing up for that can cause all sorts of emotions to surface.
He may be acting differently because he is hurt and is protecting himself, if you decide to leave him again. He was so confident about your future that he proposed to you and you broke things off with him- so he might be mindful of you leaving his life again.
It might be worth enrolling in couple’s counselling to discuss why you left at the point you did and why he has changed now. Relate offer a really good service for this- so you can talk about your feelings with an impartial person, rather than trying to figure it out for yourselves, when you might need outside help to get your through.
It sounds like you have already broached the subject of his lack of affection towards you already- and if this is turning into the same cycle of events and the same responses then it could be time to seek help.
That said, if you have made all the effort you can to get the spark back into your relationship; made suggestions such as the above and he is still not willing to meet you half way, maybe it’s for the best. Leaving him has highlighted the fact that he could change after being together for a while. Perhaps he was not showing his true self to you before the engagement. It might be that it was meant to happen so you didn’t fall further into the relationship and then find out that he wasn’t the man you thought he was.
Lucy x
tagged in Love Wedding Paris boyfriend married yin and yang agony aunt
Need Help?
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.