I discovered my husband texting another woman...

10 July 2021

I have been married to my husband for over 7 years and together for over 11 years. Trust is something that I have never had to second guess. This weekend whilst I was awake at 3am nursing my 8 month old, I don’t know why but I checked my husband’s phone. Looking at photos of our family etc but for some reason I went into his chats just scrolling. I came across a chat with a lady that i didn’t know and the conversation sickened me.

It was a very flirtatious chat dating over 6 months and the most recent was that evening! I could see that from the messages that “nothing” had happened but the conversation was very questionable and flirtatious. I confronted my husband the following morning. Guilty that I’d gone through his phone but sickened by what I had discovered.

He was mortified and said it was all innocent silly chats and nothing had ever come to fruition and never would have. I asked him that if he had things going through his mind, that he should always communicate to me, his wife. He gave me no good reasons why he had started these conversations and had very little justification. He said it was silly office chats! He was very apologetic and said no feelings were built nor actions taken.

I am so hurt and feel so alone right now. I don’t want to go to family or friends to discuss this. He obviously wants to move forward and forget. I do, but it’s all very fresh and raw and I am still in absolute disbelief. I know he hasn’t actually cheated, but I do feel like that trust has slipped away. Not sure how best to move forward from this...

Sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni said:

Picture Credit: Pixabay

“I fully understand your hurt and anger but you must move forward from this. It’s an old saying but it is a good one because it is so true - time is a great healer. I know this betrayal will always slightly colour your view of your husband but the pain will ease and you will get back to a reasonable approximation of the closeness that you once enjoyed.

“I think you know that what he did, while totally unacceptable, was not a hanging offence. What impresses me about his reaction is his clear remorse and I am prepared to believe him if he has told you that he has made a mistake and it won’t happen again. However, the proof of the pudding is in the eating and you would be perfectly within your rights to ask him for unrestricted access to his phone so you can check if he is still sharing flirty messages with her or other women. Of course, he could just delete the messages soon after they were sent and there is nothing to stop him from carrying on flirting with this woman at work while you are not there.

“However, I do take a fairly relaxed approach to partners who flirt with people they like but don’t take things further. Don’t we all, on occasion, flirt a little with people we like and find attractive even if we are in a relationship and have no intention of taking things further. I certainly do and I am clear in my head that this behaviour is harmless, fun and enjoyed by both parties. I set out clear boundaries and it is obvious to both parties that this is just positive human interaction with a little fun and cheekiness added.

“Clearly your husband went one step further in regularly messaging this woman on a constant basis over six months. It is worth looking at the reasons why he did this. You have just had a baby and you are up at 3am nursing the little one. That change in the family dynamic is bound to have some repercussions. I know a lot of men can feel a bit left out when a first child is born. All the focus that their partner has previously directed at them suddenly shifts to the baby for very obvious reasons and they feel a little lost. I’m not trying to excuse his behaviour here - it was unacceptable - but just explain it.

“You have been with your husband for 11 years. It sounds to me that you have a terrific marriage. He has screwed up, realises he has and has apologised and wants to move on. I think you should both move on with the clear understanding that this cannot happen again. The first year of your child’s life is incredibly special. Please don’t cloud it completely for the remaining four months by fixating on this regrettable lapse.”