Alice asks :
Hi Lucy,
So this is a tough one. Probably not something I should be coming to the internet for, but I suppose it's easier than asking someone face to face. So I'll make it quick as possible. I'm 24, and a couple of years ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was my friend. He caught me while I was very upset, took me for 'cheer up drinks' and in the end, didn't understand the word 'no' and was too strong for me to stop. Long story short. Since then I've been single and I've intentionally ruined any potential relationship to come my way. I'll say I didn't at the time, but I know it's true. I am terrified of letting someone in or close to me. Not to say I haven't been having sex. I have. I just can't do it with someone I care about. Is that stupid logic? Surely I'm getting this all wrong and I should have found someone to get to know and date and trust but sex since then just seems like, I don't know, an obligation? Not something you share with someone you love? The problem is I'm dating a great guy now. I think we could make something of 'us' but I'm blowing him off and ditching his phone calls already far less letting him see me naked. The idea of being vulnerable in front of him makes me freeze, but I don't want to lose him either. I guess what I'm asking is, is there anything I can be doing or telling myself to just get over this and be in a normal, healthy relationship. Or is 'man the f*&* up' the answer?
Our Reply
Hi Alice,
I would suggest that you pay a visit to the doctors and arrange to be referred to a counsellor. Going through something like this alone, with no support can be challenging, especially when you seem to be finding it hard to make sense of your current relationships.
Perhaps you need to talk this through before committing to a serious relationship. It may be that being with someone right now is confusing things further and you need to be able to cope with the past before you move on and have a serious relationship in the future.
Could you stay friends with this guy while you work through your past events? Could you confide in him and talk about what happened to you so he has a better understanding of why you are ‘blowing him off’? Or could you simply tell him that something happened to you that you are not ready to talk about but that you are working through and to ask for his patience? If you believe that you could make something if this then it might be worth trying to keep him close in whatever way you want. The main thing is that you can’t move on until you have admitted the past and accepted it so you can enjoy what is to come.
If you don’t feel like the doctors is right for you then perhaps call one of the charities that are specifically designed to help you when you have been the victim of abuse:
http://oneinfour.org.uk/wordpress/
Lucy x
tagged in relationships friend doctor yin and yang counselling single agony aunt
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