Hannah asks :
Hi Lucy,
I'm 22 and am currently in a relationship and living with a guy I fell in love with when I was 15 (though we split up when I was 17 and got back together when I was 18). We've had our fair share of difficulties, and we've gone through a lot (Afghanistan, for one). However, recently, we've almost stopped trying to impress each other and he never really gets involved with anything I do. When you ask him a question, the response is usually, "I dunno".. And the way he talks to me isn't all that great- but I am no angel in all of it! I can be just as bad. Though we do have some great times, but they're not as frequent as they once were. Also, I want children and marriage, he's not really wanting that.. Four months ago, I got back in touch with my friend, Jake, who was once a huge part of my life. He saved my life- twice- and he was my carer when I was unwell- even though he could have been doing anything else and having fun with his friends, and we've got this connection that is really deep because of it. We stopped talking four years ago because he fell in love with me and I was still in love with my partner, even though we weren't together at this point (I was 18). However, I got back in touch with him to just see how he is and now we're back to being really close (platonically). We're on the same page with every single thing, down to favourite flowers and how we'd announce pregnancy (we talk about everything), my family adore him, and when you ask him a question, he gives you a response more than "I dunno", and he understands me on every level. Here's the thing: I have started to see Jake in a light which makes me wonder if it's more than just friendship. I don't know if that's because I'm having issues with my partner, or whether this has always been there but I buried it before. I don't know. It's not that I don't love my partner, but I'm beginning to doubt that we're not compatible, and maybe Jake and I are? I text him all of the time, and I think about him a lot. What do I do? I'm so confused.
Our Reply
Hi Hannah,
Perhaps the issues with your partner are highlighting your need for this friendship again so you have someone to talk to. Relationships do go through periods where one or both people don’t communicate or try as hard as they perhaps should. Have you talked to him about his lack of willingness to communicate effectively with you?
The kids and marriage aspect is a big thing to compromise over if that is what you want, it is also something that he should not be forced into if he doesn’t want those things. Chances are if he is forced he will not make the best father or husband for you.
If your friend had not come back into your life, how do you feel about your partner? Do you want to end things or are you willing to work them out? If you still have some good times there there could be something to build upon here- if everything is bad all the time then your decision might be a bit easier.
It could be that it has taken this relationship to find out how you feel for your friend. Maybe you needed to be in relationship that has gone through hard times to appreciate the good you could have with this new guy.
Perhaps look at your existing relationship and see if you can create some more good times with him before giving up. It may be that you can get back to where you were with a little communication and patience. If you try to make anther go of things and it doesn’t work then at least you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could before going your separate ways.
tagged in Love Relationship friend yin and yang agony aunt
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