Cathy asks :
Hi Lucy,
I am currently in my first long-term relationship. We've been going out just over 2 years, and I never did think I would fall in love with anyone as I have done with him. He is a good boyfriend - cares for me, kind, he became my best friend as well really. I had never been intimate with anyone before I had started dating him, and although we have not slept together, he had always said that he was a virgin as well and happy to wait until I was ready to. Last month he came clean and told me that he had slept with his ex-girlfriend whilst they were going out and lied the last couple of years because he was afraid of hurting me/losing me. In my eyes, this is a forgivable lie as I can understand the reasons behind it. But as much as I want to get over it, I just can't seem to. I overreact to little things now and am so much more sensitive when it comes to him - a way I never was previously. For a long time, I’ve imagined my life with him, but I can't seem to get over these lies fully. When he first told me the truth, it was the lies that I couldn't get over, but now I feel as though I have lost my feelings of affection for him. I don't know what to do.
Our Reply
Hi Cathy,
What would you have thought of him if he had come clean right away? If he had treated you the same, would this have made you feel less affection for him from the start and ended your relationship sooner? It is a nice thought that two people find each other and lose their virginity and stay together forever, however for a lot of people that is just not the case now. Many people have sexual pasts and perhaps what you are feeling is a little jealousy that he was with another woman that way before you, which you had planned in for your future. It happened before you two were together so it is difficult not to get jealous but he is with you now not her.
Everyone feels let down by a lie- especially when it’s someone as close as a partner. It's the intention behind it that is important. If he did it not to lose you or hurt you then perhaps take him at his word. If he has come clean, you may have felt the pressure to have sex with him sooner, which isn’t what you want, as you have said- you want to wait.
It is normal to assume that after one lie he might lie about other things, but he has experienced sex and still waited two years for you, which for many guys would be a big ask, so he clearly thinks a lot about you. Perhaps you should go to couple’s counselling to help you get past this. If you feel the attraction has gone because of this and you can’t get it out of your head then maybe some outside help is the way forward.
A lie is a difficult thing to build upon if you want to be with someone long term, so it will take time and commitment from you both to get through, if that is what you both want.
Lucy x
tagged in Love Partner Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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