Claire asks :
Hi Lucy –
I'm looking for some advice please. I met a guy last September, he's separated with children and I'm single with no children we're both in our late thirties. He lives 90km away from me so meeting up wasn't easy, he broke his toe as well which put him out of action for 7 weeks. But for 3 months we were in contact by text daily, and had organised too meet up just in the New Year. I was optimistic that things would progress into a proper relationship and I believed he did too. But on New Year’s Eve he told by text that he had been laid off work in Ireland where we both live and he was offered a job with the same company in England. He chose the job as he wanted to be able to provide for his kids. He told me that he was really sorry as he really liked me but he couldn't see him having a relationship now whilst his life was up in the air. I completely understand this and have tried to be supportive to him, but he's pretty much has cut contact. He went to UK the first weekend of the New Year and I haven't heard from him since, I asked him before he left if he was cutting contact and ending things with me, the only response I got back was that 'he wasn't able to answer anything at the moment, that he needed time to think and to be more settled'. So we have gone from daily contact to no contact in the space of 10 days and I texted him over the weekend just gone just to see how he is and how he is getting on, but he hasn't texted me back at all. My problem is that I can't get him out of my head at all and I actually get very blue and start crying and I can't stop then. I'm upset that he's just cut contact so easily where I can't seem to move on, I'm trying to respect his decision but I just get upset. It's extremely hard not to pick up the phone and text him now but I don’t want to push it with him either. My friends are telling me that to move on and get over him, but it's not that easy for me. I just wish he'd text me and put me out of this feeling of unknowing that I have. What should I do?
Hi Claire,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Trying to find tools to help move on could be the right thing for you right now. Getting out with your mates, finding a hobby, organise some time with your family- anything to stop you dwelling on this.
If you sit and think about it constantly or try and text him some more this might not affect the outcome. If he is intent on settling in and talking some space from what you had then chances are this is what he means and he will stick to his decision.
Although it’s hard to hear, his children are probably his first priority, so it’s not just him settling in that he needs to think about but his family too, which can take time. You have done as much as you can right now and he has not got back to you. Why not let the next move be his? Then you will know that he is ready and settled enough to start talking again. If you had a connection then he might well come back to you to rekindle your friendship.
Starting something up when you are so far away from one another is putting your relationship under a lot of strain even before it’s begun. Do you think you could maintain it over just texts for a long period of time? Relationships are hard work as they stand without the added pressure of not seeing one another.
Try not to put your life on hold for this- the reason you are likely finding it hard to move on is because you didn’t stop contact over a lack of compatibility between the both of you; more the practicalities, so you don’t have anything to blame it on. Perhaps try to keep yourself busy and you might find that gradually you can move on from this and worry less about the unknown.
Lucy x
tagged in Friends England children New Years Eve Relationship Ireland New Year yin and yang single agony aunt
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