Anonymous asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years; since we got together I have been away at university for 2 and a bit years. In this time we have had lots of ups and downs and spent a couple of months on breaks having space. It has been so hard but we have always found a way through, we are so in love with each other. A couple of weeks ago my boyfriend told me he thought we should split up, following a fall out. He said that he loves me, and wants to be with me and for it to work but he didn't feel like it was at the moment with the distance. He said he didn’t think it was making either of us happy, and he just wants me to be happy. I felt completely destroyed; I’ve been feeling heartbroken ever since. The thing is that when we are together we are wonderful, it’s just when we are apart it puts a strain on our relationship and we both get frustrated and argue. I have tried my best to accept what has happened, in my heart I don't feel like it is the end of things forever but I miss him, and worry that it is lost. I haven't been contacting him. I got a phone call from him yesterday, to see how I was and how my week had been. It was just as if nothing had happened, he just wanted to talk normally, and told me he loved and cared about me. He's not the kind of guy to mess me around, he cares so much about me and wants me to be happy. But it’s left feeling me feeling really confused; I don’t know how to play this. Do I just carry on talking to him like normal? Or do I try and limit the contact more? I want so much to talk to him but worry that if he never misses me, and gets a chance to be really without me, then we will never get to a point where he realises that I am what he wants. Does that make sense? I get the feeling he doesn't want to talk about us, so I haven't brought it up. Please help me, Anonymous
Our Reply
Hi Anonymous,
This sounds like a very confusing time for you both.
Long distance relationships are extremely hard and it’s not only the time that you are together but the time that you are apart that need work. If you are good when you are together- great, however when you are apart it is natural to focus on what you don’t have at that time rather than what you have to look forward to, which is why arguments can occur.
If you both have a good friendship then chances are you talk to one another and are a support for each other. Limiting contact might not only take your partner from your life but your friend too. If you can learn to focus on the friendship then it might be a good support system if you stay in touch. You are both in the same boat- it sounds like you both care about one another but the timing and distance is wrong. Being honest with one another and talking it through might help you both to make sense of things.
What you say does make perfects sense- at the moment he might not miss you as much, but if you were to limit contact then the impact of you being apart might jolt him into realising that the relationship is worth fighting for. However, the reality is; the dynamics of your relationship have changed, so he might miss you already.
It sounds like the best thing is to be open with one another about every part of this. If you play games and don’t communicate, one or both of you could end up getting hurt. The frustration likely comes from not knowing if you will be together again, however if you want it, then the friendship should remain consistent. You can always have him in your life and vice versa if you both make the effort to stay friends if nothing more.
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