Sam asks :
Hi Lucy,
My daughter’s father is currently in prison he will soon be getting home leave a few days a month. He wants to take my daughter to see his parents. When my daughter was born I let his parents have her for a few hours I told them to have her back at 2pm as she had her injections at 2.30; they brought her back at 2.45 hadn't fed her or changed her nappy I was furious! A few days later they asked to take her again I explained that they couldn't but are welcome to come and see her. Her granddad then proceeded to threaten me and become extremely abusive and threatened to take my daughter to Pakistan. When I’ve taken my daughter to visit her father in the past she screams and isn’t comfortable. She doesn’t know him. Am I being unfair saying I don’t want him taking her to see his family. I’ve tried being reasonable and said once my daughter has a bond with him then he can but I will say a time to have her back . He says I’m restricting him bit I’d be terrified they will kidnap her.
Our Reply
Hi Sam,
It will take time for your daughter to get to know her father if you have been her primary carer for so long.
His father might have said he would take your daughter back to Pakistan simply to intimidate your into letting them see her more. That said you don’t know if his threat is real or not. It seems reasonable that if you don’t feel comfortable leaving her with them that they come to you and you all see her together or perhaps you could go around to their house with your baby’s father. That way you know she is safe and your partner and his parents are getting to spend time with her- and you can ensure she is fed and changed.
He will need time to form a bond with her, however she might not respond well to this if you are not there to ease her in. If she goes with him and is presented with three strangers then she might get anxious.
It is all down to simple care too- if when you take her they are not caring for her properly then that is a legitimate concern.
If you feel strongly that what you have suggested is the right thing to do then perhaps persist with your demands. It could be too much of a risk to go along with their preferences.If his threats persist then it might worth taking things to a higher level.
tagged in Parents Father daughter yin and yang agony aunt
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