Emily asks :
Hi Lucy,
My boyfriend is currently out of a job and has been since we left university over 6 months ago. He only passed the first year because of family issues and hasn't much experience within the industry he enjoys. But insists on getting a job within the industry. I am self- employed and am saving for a mortgage. I really wanted to do this together with him but he is obviously not in the financial state. We live 50 miles away from each other and although we see each other regularly his mum tries taking things like his car away from him to prevent him from seeing me. She is very much a big part in his life and calls the shots most of the time. It is starting to be a really big problem for me as I want to move forward with him. It just seems everything is getting in our way. He is not getting interviews even for retail jobs and he can't attend interviews that are close to me as his mum takes away his car and knows he doesn't have the money to get to the places!! Someone help me. I really don't want this to break us up or end in me resenting his mum as she is deep down a nice lady. Sorry about the essay!!!
Our Reply
Hi Emily,
It seems that currently you feel you have many barriers getting in the way of you and your partner.
Perhaps focus on getting to where you want to be and let him fall in line with that after you have moved in somewhere on your own. You could ask him to move in with you on the condition that he gets a job. This might jolt him into taking any paid work he can just so you can be together and free of his mum’s control over his travelling and seeing you.
It seems that the two main things that are preventing you from being together are his mum’s wishes and his pride. If he wants to be with you then it seems that some temporary sacrifices might need to be made. Perhaps he needs to lower his expectations from working in his field of choice to one that simply pays him a wage and try to gain some independence away from his mum. If he begins to earn money then, even if she tells him not to take the car he could get a train or a bus to see you.
Alternatively, you could speak to his mum and ask her why she feels that she needs to stop you seeing each other and try to build bridges with her. If you believe her to be a nice lady deep down- her actions may be due to financial pressures of having to fund his travels that she can't afford or fear that you will take him away from her. Maybe if you tell her that you want to be a family unit then she may feel more reassured about not losing her son.
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