Salianna asks :
Hi Lucy,
Ok so my best friend and I have a very close relationship and have been through a lot of rough times especially for her. I have always been there as her number one support and helping her out has always been my number one priority. Recently however I have announced that I’m moving country and also in the last three months or so have gotten into a serious relationship. We are going to do the long distance thing for a few months and then see if he can get a job and move over to me. So I am spending a lot of time with him and he has become my main priority (after my career). I'm very excited about all the new things starting in my life but my best friend is not dealing with it well. I know I should be empathetic and realize this is hard for her but I have always helped her and supported her and now instead of being happy for me she is just being passive aggressive and trying to guilt trip and pick fights. I feel until lately I had somewhat put my life on hold and made her problems my own. I need to live my own life and do my stuff from now on, like go where ever I need to for work and start enjoying myself instead of living the social life of a single mother just because she is one. I don’t know how to explain to her that things aren’t the same anymore, and more importantly I don’t want things to be the same, I'm now 24 and I'm ready for my life to be about more than girlie nights out and gossiping about boys and wondering what to do about the future. Every time I try to talk to her about it she cries and says I'm abandoning her, which in a way I am, but it’s also not my job to be on call for her for the rest of my life. I do still want to keep our friendship, I just want it to grow up and be less dependent on each other. What do I do?
Hi Salianna,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It can be hard for very close friends to accept that things are changing and those habits you have formed together will no longer be there. Like anything else change is hard for some people.
If you have always been there when she needed you, then perhaps because you will no longer be close to her physically and emotionally she feels a little insecure. Perhaps she relied too much on you to help her out of a sticky situation or two and she is worried about tackling them on her own.
If the focus has generally been on her life- suddenly the dynamics of your friendship have changed and you have started to think about yourself rather than her. This might be an unwanted reminder that there are two people in this friendship and that you have decisions to make too and a life to lead. If you have always been there for her, the roles have been reversed and it sounds like she is not coping well with having to support and understand what you want to do with your life.
Perhaps suggest that you meet up and talk- you could tell her that it’s nothing to do with her but that you feel it’s right for you, here and now. Maybe you could suggest that you still be friends but that it will change and if she wants to still be in your life that she will perhaps need to accommodate to those changes.
It is not a matter of listing everything that your have done for her- it’s not a competition. A gentle reminder that you have been there for her when she was going through changes in her own life might help to give her some perspective.
Making you feel guilty and picking fights could be her way of persuading you to stay, however it seems that it’s having the opposite affect and driving you further away from her. If she can’t be happy for you eventually, then perhaps she was not the friend you once thought. Perhaps she is a good friend when it’s about her, but when it comes to the other away around she is unpractised in it and unwilling to put in the effort to support you.
Is she a drain or a radiator in your life? Does she sap you of energy and happiness or does she bring you comfort and security? If it’s not the latter then your friendship may have run its course.
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