Delaney asks :
Hi Lucy,
I would like some tips on how to deal with the feelings of resentment towards my mother that keep rearing their ugly head. My mum is a single parent and has received zero support from my father, a fact that she loves reminding me of. I recently increased my work hours to full time and every month she seems to want more and more of my pay check, bearing in mind she knows that I'm trying to save up, as I want to move out. But when I try to explain this, I get the age old argument of how she's had to struggle, how my income is the only support she ever gets (hinting at my absent father), and she often gets angry. Which leads to her giving me the 'silent treatment'. Don't get me wrong, I respect the fact that it is hard to be a single parent, but at the same time my father has left a few women in her exact predicament, therefore she knew the kind of man he was before their relationship even began. So for her to basically punish me for an existence that I wouldn't have wanted, let alone asked for, makes me resent her. Growing up she hardly parented me. She spent most of her time either watching TV, on her computer, or on the phone. She'd never even help me with homework. I learned to do things for myself, and in ways raised myself, so I don't understand why she treats me the way she does. Where do I go from here?
Our Reply
Hi Delaney,
It is normal for parents to try and get their children to take sides in a break up, so they feel wanted when their partner clearly doesn’t. She is likely taking more and more of your money because she is afraid of letting you go and being on her own. Even if she wasn't a close parent to you while you were growing up you were still present and company for her. If you leave that comfort is gone and she might feel the abandonment that she felt when your father left, which is why it’s important to leave on happy terms.
Some people like to bring up their past as an excuse for not doing certain things since. If she has spent her time watching TV, phoning people or on the computer then she might be little regretful that she didn’t done something else with her time. If she keeps using the break up as an excuse then she doesn’t really heave to explain to people why she has not moved on.
It sounds like there is a huge communication barrier here between you both and the silent treatment might be the way she handled disputes with your father so it’s a default position for her. Perhaps you need to be the adult here and ask her to come to some set arrangement for how much money she takes from you each month and stick to it. If it’s enough to cover the bills then what is she spending the rest on? You could reassure her that even if your move out you will still be in touch and visit, but that you feel you need to move on with your life. It you tell her that you don’t want to follow in the same footsteps as her this might make her reluctant to talk to you further, so you could focus on what opportunities it might give you and turn it into a positive.
It sounds like you are the one who is stronger and more determined in this relationship, so it might be that you need to adopt the adult role and take charge of the situation if you want to finally move out.
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