Maya asks :
Hi Lucy,
My partner slept with his female friend before I ever met him during a drunken night out; however, I discovered early in our relationship that they were exchanging Facebook messages with some sexual exchanges. I decided to end the relationship as I felt betrayed but he apologised and said he wanted to be with me and cut all contact with this girl. We're now due to be married but I feel like this girl is haunting me. She's really close friends with my fiance's sister and all of his brother's family. My fiance is also good friends with her sister (how he met her originally). I don't want her at my wedding- in fact I'd rather not have anything to do with her as she only reminds me of negative things...but my fiance's siblings are already asking why she's not on the guest list. What should I do? Should I write to this girl and explain why I don't want her there? I understand it's my partner's fault as much as hers- but I'm marrying him not her!!
Our Reply
Hi Maya,
It is your wedding, so if your day will be ruined by her there, then perhaps just tell them all the truth or ask your partner to. It is likely that if they were in your position that they would feel the same way.
If she is friends with your extended family, then you could find yourself bumping into her at events held by them- so it might be best to prepare yourself for this and think of ways to make it work the best it can.
If you broke up over her in the early part of your relationship then perhaps your partner will understand why you don’t want her there and be able to explain to others why she is not on the guest list.
You could write her a letter to explain why you don’t want her at your wedding, however, presumably, she would figure that one out on her own. That said, letters are very effective in getting in everything you want to say, without the risk of it getting out of control.
It is your big day and you only get to do it once- so the priority should be to reduce any possibility of tainting it in any way not encouraging bad feeling. If you feel this strongly about it and put your case forward then people might begin to understand why it means so much to you.
tagged in Partner Relationship friend yin and yang agony aunt
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