M asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have known this guy for many years, and had thought he was interested at various points (and I was keen on him at various points), we went on one date (well I thought it was a date) and nothing came of it. Because we had never got together, when a vacancy in our share house came up, and he wanted to move in, I thought it would be fine. So he moved in (in November last year) and we immediately started to get closer. When we were both home, we spent all of our time together and we were both at home a lot. We have been spending hours together, playing board games, doing puzzles, going to the beach, and the markets, going out to dinner and to the pub. Sometimes with others but mostly on our own. We make each other coffee in the morning and he helps me to make dinner in the evening. His body language and behaviour seemed unmistakeable; lots of staring at me (both gazing into each other’s eyes for excessively long periods, and catching him looking at me), feet always pointed at me, teasing me, flicking things at me, getting jealous of the cat, standing very close and brushing up against me, asking me to cut his hair and so on. He always remembered details of our conversations and followed up on things I had said. He asked for my opinion and advice on many matters. Other people have commented on this and asked if we were seeing each other, (including his friends making comments to me that indicated they thought we were an item) so it is not just me seeing what I want to see. Last night I finally asked him what was going on with “us” and he replied that he didn’t think there was an “us”. It was a terrible conversation, and now we have to deal with the living together factor, which is one thing. Asides from that, I just really don’t understand how he can behave in such a way that his friends think he is interested in me, and yet he claims no desire is there. I am a little shocked. I do not put myself out there easily and I am 1) devastated because I fear I have fallen for him 2) embarrassed and I feel like he sees me as crazy lady and 3) so CONFUSED, and I never want to feel like this again… What do I do? How do I avoid making this mistake again? And how did I get this so wrong?
Our Reply
Hi M,
This sounds very confusing for you, when a lot of time you are sharing is similar to that of what a couple would.
It might be the stir that was created by those around you made you feel more for him than you actually did. Falling into a routine with someone is often the very essence of a committed relationship, so you could have naturally got swept up in taking the next step.
It seems that your feelings only got strong the more time you spent together so perhaps use this time to try and enjoy your own company a bit more, as you will likely drift apart for a while.
You say that you were interested in him at various points, but not consistently. So what made you drift out of liking him so much? It may be worth focusing on the reasons why you didn’t like him to justify why you are not going out now. If you two were to make something of this you could find that you both continue to blow hot and cold with each other as you have done in the past.
If there was a spark between you both then the sexual tension might have been too strong to resist and resulted in you sleeping together. From what you have told me this didn’t happen, so it seems like the sexual attraction is not present between you two.
If your friends had conversations about the unusual friendship that you had then chances are they will have spoken to him about it too. It is likely that he was aware of how things looked to people outside. If this was the case and he knew he was leading you on then he is not completely blameless in this situation.
Perhaps be honest with him and tell him that the relationship you had could have been easily misinterpreted which led to you asking him about it. Have you thought about finding another house share so you can both spend less time together? You might both find it a bit easier to move on and not have to be in each other pockets while you process what has happened and what you are going to do moving forward.
tagged in Friends Friendship Relationship Date yin and yang agony aunt
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