Anonymother asks :
Hi Lucy
Please help! I have a young daughter and split from her father around 9 months ago. I've felt free and happier than I have in a long time, in my new home and enjoying life. I have been seeing an ex in my spare time, which made me happy and excited for a few weeks, while we dated and reacquainted ourselves sexually, but he's starting to get really comfortable and serious, calling me whenever we're not together and telling me he has loved me for eight years. However much I love sex with him and appreciate all he does for me, I'm just not sure I can be tied down so quickly. I suffer from depressive phases and had a horrible break down over the summer, before moving away from my daughter's father... I just want to have laughs, adventures and a bit of fun to feel alive again, but this has gone too far. It doesn't help that I have such a high sex drive - although we are very adventurous in the bedroom (which is definitely what we're best at together) I still fancy other people and feel like I'm missing opportunities. What should I do? How should I approach him without breaking his heart?
Our Reply
Hi Anonymother,
If he has loved you for eight years then having sex with him might have led him into thinking that you will get back together. If you don’t see a future for you at all then I would suggest talking to him about it. He will likely be heartbroken if he has waited this long for you and now you have rekindled some of what you had. It sounds like you didn’t know about his feelings when you started seeing each other again. This lack of communication at the start could have led to you both wanting different things, so now is perhaps the time to come clean before he falls any further in love with you.
It seems like when you are having sex that part is fulfilling your needs, however perhaps the stuff after that is not what you want. If you do see a future for you both and just not yet then tell him that you want to take things slow as a result of your own feelings over the summer and the fact that you have just come out of a long term relationship. If he cares about you enough he should understand enough to back off a little and let you take the lead for a while. If he has waited for you for so long, then he will likely be prepared to wait some more.
If he does this you may not feel the need to find other opportunities and have your needs fulfilled within this set up. However, if you want to sleep with other people then suggest to him that you stay as friends. It sounds like he may not be able to handle ‘friends with benefits’ relationship.
tagged in Father daughter yin and yang agony aunt
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