Liz asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been in a relationship for four years and we live together. He is mostly a great guy, he has a few annoying habits like not getting of the Xbox and cleaning up etc. I often find myself thinking I should break up with him and that maybe I could find someone better. I feel awful because he is a nice guy. However he did cheat on me 2 years ago (although he has only told me this about 6 months ago). He didn't have sex with anyone else; he just fooled around once and talked a lot online. I feel like I should have dumped him when he told me and if I did it now it would be unfair to end as we've stopped arguing over it. I feel as if I need a good reason to dump him and I keep waiting for him to do something wrong. I'm worried that if we did break up I'd miss him and having someone to be close to and wasting the years we've spent together. Also our sex life isn't great and I'm not sure how attracted to him I am. I don't find him ugly and after 4 years with the same person maybe not finding them that attractive is normal?? I'm 20 and I feel like a bit of me wants to go out and have fun and not be tied down. I've been chatting to a male friend more often and there is some sexual chemistry between us which is also clouding my decision, however I don't think he'd want anything serious. Me and my boyfriend live together and I don't really have anywhere to go if I dump him and I'm not sure I could stand the tension of living together.....I'm not sure if all this is just a phase but it's been going on a while. I've told a friend some of this but her opinion is that the grass is never greener on the other side; however she doesn't know he has cheated. What do you think I should do?
Our Reply
Hi Liz,
It sounds like you are in a very difficult place in your relationship right now.
Firstly, in every relationship there are habits that annoy each of the partners, which is natural. The only way to be more accepting of this is to ask him to dial it back or to change your reaction to it. If he is set in his ways no amount of nagging will alter his behaviours, so it might be a case of trying not to fixate on it so much.
You have stopped arguing over the infidelity, however it is still on your mind or you would not have brought it up here- so perhaps a bit of relationship counselling might help, to talk about it in a more controlled environment where you can work through it with communication rather than arguments.
Chances are you would miss him if you did break up because it has been your way of life for a while now and change takes time to adjust to. Time with a partner is never wasted even if it doesn’t work out, you will have learned a great deal about yourself from every relationship you have.
The sex life in a long term relationship does become affected if a couple doesn’t try to keep things fresh. This is normal but can be helped if you are both dissatisfied and want to make things better between you intimately, by making some changes.
The new male in your life might be clouding your judgement- if things are not going so well with your man then he might be filling those gaps that are currently in your relationship, making it look like the grass is greener. Try to put that to one side and ask yourself- if he wasn’t in the picture would you still want to leave your boyfriend?
With all that said- if you are looking for reason to break up with him then it might be time for you to move on. If you are intent on doing so then you will find a way around the living together situation- it will be a tough time- however if what you really want is to be free of your partner, then this is something you might have to endure in the short term in order to achieve your goal.
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