Matt asks :
Hi Lucy,
Recently my partner of 5 years admitted cheating on me on a night out. She didn't sleep with him but spent the whole night with him kissing, dancing and talking. I found texts on her phone to her friend saying she had been talking to this guy and he was chatting her up and she liked it but felt bad after. But even though she felt like that when she saw him later on she started kissing him. She says it’s the only time she has done anything like this and I want to believe her but I can't. When I’ve asked her why she did it she does not know why and blames it on to much drink. But it’s not just been one kiss it went on for quite a while so surly at some point what was happening and what she was doing was wrong. Thanks Matt
Our Reply
Hi Matt,
Cheating is all dependent on what you and your partner deem as crossing the line and what parameters you set at the beginning of the relationship.
Even though all of this was within one night- like you say it was several instances where she was kissing him. So if she felt remorse for what she had done then perhaps it would have ended after the first encounter.
She might have blamed it on the drink, but if she got that drunk again would that mean that she would repeat the behaviour? You should not have to ask her to drink less on the off chance that she might kiss another man- if she knows that a lot of drink makes her cross the line then she should make that decision for herself.
Perhaps ask her if she is happy in your relationship. There might be something that she sees as lacking with you that she is fulfilling with another man. If that was addressed then maybe she wouldn’t be tempted by other men.
If you really want to make things better then you will have to work very hard on trying to trust her again and she will have to make more of an effort to dial back being flirty with other men and knowing her limits to earn your trust back. It is going to take a lot of patience and understanding from both of you. The first step is admitting fault and apologising, two things you have not mentioned in your letter- perhaps if you both acknowledge what happened in equal measure then you have a better chance of moving on.
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