FFF asks :
Dear Lucy,
Me and my now fiancé have been dating 5 years and engaged for one. It was all well and good when we started dating as undergrads. I have since started a difficult program and work three jobs while juggling a PhD thesis, classes, volunteering, and practicum placements. He is also a graduate student and has one job outside school that takes up a few hours of his time each week.
We have started working out together for our wedding. Let me stress that I HAVE put on 15 pounds since we started dating and weigh 120 pounds and I am 5 3. I am also a curvier person. He is very very dedicated to the diet and workout plan, and with regards to diet his mother makes all his "special diet meals" and does chores so he doesn't have a lot of demands on his time outside school. I live alone and have to do much of this myself, although he helps when he can.
It sounds like I am making excuses but I haven't been able to go to the gym 5 times a week due to work pressures and commitments. I have asked him to help keep me on track but I don't think he understands that some of the comments he makes hurt. I feel judged around him and constantly feel like I need to keep explaining myself to him. I had cramps and a really bad period but I couldn't bring myself to tell him I couldn't go to the gym because I knew he would say something to piss me off so I went and worked out lightly through the pain. He has started making comments that have consequently made me very sensitive about the way I look. Some of these comments include "That's pure carbs eat some veggies instead" " You have let yourself go" "You didn't go to the gym once this week, I went three times". When I am at the gym he actually comes up to my machine and checks how many calories I've burned or fiddles with my settings. It irritates me so much I have started ignoring him at the gym. Here is my question is he being a judgemental asshole or am I being too sensitive?
Hi FFF,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It sounds like you have got a lot on your plate right now and it is genuinely difficult to fit in your workouts. Although you have a goal to aim for, you still need to make sure you have enough energy to get through your day to day demands, so it might help to listen to your body more and go with it or something might give.
If you feel he doesn't understand then it might be time to tell him. If he has one job and his mother takes care of the food he is eating, then it seems that he does have the time to focus 100% on the gym and his intake. Comparing his attendance to yours seems unfair because it sounds like you live very different lives in terms of your commitments.
If someone wants to change then some well-placed advice can be welcome, it seems that telling you what to do is not working. It's your body and ultimately you decide what you eat and how often you exercise. If you don't want him to help you with the machines at the gym, then he may need to know. If you need help then presumably you would ask him or someone working in the gym.
A partner is not there to put you down, they should lift you up, so it might be worth telling him that his tough love approach is not making you feel better but worse.
Men can be quite focused when it comes to dieting and exercise, because they are able to leave their emotions out of it. Women find this very difficult because intake can be very dependent on mood.
He may think he is doing right by you, but if he isn't then perhaps addressing this now rather than later would help it from getting worse and breeding more resentment. The last thing you might need is to bottle this irritation up and it come out nearer the wedding.
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