JB asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my partner for 4 years and we recently married. I love him dearly and we work really well. My problem is that before I met my husband I had a massive crush on a friend. He doesn't live locally, we don't see each other that often and it's always in a group environment. I've never acted on my feelings of attraction – He’s also married to a friend of mine! - and nothing has ever happened between us. However, we all went out dancing on Saturday (my husband and his wife didn’t come because he was unwell and she had other plans) and things got a bit intense on the dance floor! Nothing more than dancing and flirting but I haven’t done anything that I regret, but I can’t stop thinking about him now and it feels like a can of worms (unresolved feelings) has been opened. I feel like if he had made a move, I’m not sure I would have been able to help myself – which is awful because I love my husband! I’m not even sure he would have made a move but I can’t help thinking about the what-ifs. Particularly – what if we go out again and things really do get out of hand? How can I manage my feelings? It’s driving me mad!
Our Reply
Hi JB thanks for getting in touch.
The important thing to remember is that you are in control of your actions, so if you are feeling like this could lead somewhere and you don’t want it to then perhaps don't agree to meet him alone again.
Sexy dancing and flirting can all be very exciting but what would be the reality of being with him? Once all of that was out of the way how would you be together on a day to day basis? You had a crush on him before so maybe those feelings you had when you were single came rushing back and made you live your night as if you were again? You never actually went out with this guy so you don’t know if you could work as a couple, so why risk things with your partner?
What ifs are great when they live in our fantasies, however, in reality they cause a lot of pain and damage when you still love your husband. If you were unhappy in your marriage then this could have led to you being more forward on the dance floor, however you say you are happy.
Your flirting suggests that you are perhaps burying some problems in the marriage that could be worked upon or you are not happy and trying to save face. After 4 years some relationships become stagnant and people look to other places in the hope to find what they are missing, it could be that you need to recapture what you had with your man when you first got together so you don’t feel the need to get excitement from your old flames.
Good luck,
Lucy x
tagged in Partner Flirting Husband friend married yin and yang agony aunt crush
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