Kay asks :
Hello Lucy,
I really don't know what to do. I have fallen unexpectedly pregnant and am now 14 weeks. My boyfriend isn't happy about it he already has 2 boys and said in the beginning he wanted me to have an abortion. He doesn't agree with them and hates the fact he wants me to do that, but he does. I said ‘no’ and nothing was mentioned again for 7 weeks so I assumed he was just getting used to the idea we still talked about it and names etc. as usual. We had the scan and he seemed happy when he saw it and asked questions. Then a few days later he said it again out of nowhere and said ‘the thought of it depresses him’ and he's ‘worried we won't survive it’. He says he loves me the same, he wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me or be with anyone else. I said ‘do u want me to leave and you'll never see me or the child again’ and he said no, so I am at a loss. I asked ‘do you think that you’re still holding on to an abortion is possible even though it's not going to happen’ to which he said ‘maybe’. I asked if he thinks he may feel better once that time is gone and he said ‘yeah maybe...or maybe I'll get worse, I don't know’. I don't understand how to help him get past this or what to do. I love him so much and I know we are so strong, we never argue we are perfect for each other. Please help.
Our Reply
Hello Kay,
It sounds like he is frightened of being a father again. If he has done it twice before and he had it in his mind that he wouldn’t become a father again- then this might have knocked him off course.
Maybe some relationship counselling might help you to get past this- it sounds like he stills sees it as a choice where you don’t. This is a very big issue to disagree on- so talking about it with a professional might help you both. This will allow you to talk about how him suggesting an abortion has made you feel about all of this and what he is afraid of from your future together with a baby.
He has mentioned that he is ‘worried he won’t survive it’, so it sounds like he is more concerned about his ability as a father rather than the baby. Has he struggled to bring up his other two children? If so then this might have made him cast assumptions about how he will be with any more family.
Perhaps talk to him about how strong you feel you both are together. This might assure him that if there have been any issues with bringing up his sons that they don’t have to be repeated because you have each other and you believe you make a good team.
He has said that he doesn’t want you to leave- so it sounds like whatever foundation you have, potentially just needs building on to give him more confidence to be a father for a third time.
tagged in Pregnancy boyfriend yin and yang agony aunt
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