Anonymous asks :
Hi Lucy,
I have been with my partner over 2 years now and we have a 4 month old baby together. From the go I knew he liked wearing women’s underwear and he wore mine sometimes and that has never bothered me. When I was about 6 months pregnant I found out he had been taking photos of himself in my underwear and sending them to other girls. I know it’s not really cheating but at the same time if didn’t like it and didn’t want it to happen. We had a big fight and I said he had a chance and he could not do it again. Recently if found out he has. He has been begging me for another chance, we have a baby together and it’s difficult for me to leave because of this. I love him but he knew from the first time if didn't like it and if he did it again I would leave him. He has promised me he will not do it again, he has traded in his phone and got one without a camera etc. I just really do not know what to do. I have tried to understand, tried having a reasonable conversation about it and he even says himself he doesn't know why he’s done it (which to be honest if don't believe). Since we have had this talk he has been honest about other things, he said he wishes he could go out wearing women’s clothes etc. I don’t know how I feel about this as it’s something I think people would sort of bully him for and not even that we have a child and I don’t want him to get bullied when he gets older because his friends have seen his dad out in women’s clothes. He also admitted to being bisexual, and this hurt me. We have been together over 2 years, we have a baby together and he has never said anything. He said he didn’t want me to know at first because I didn’t want to carry on the relationship even though it doesn't bother me, it’s just because he has kept that from me. I don’t know if I can trust him anymore as I don’t want to be hurt again and me end up leaving him in however many years and it affect our child more as he will be older. My partner is a very masculine man, but he is saying he enjoys feeling feminine etc. and I have no problem with that. It’s him sending photos of himself in women’s underwear to other women. From the first time I found out I said I would take my baby away if he does it again, and even with what I said he still risked us to do that and to keep from me that he is bisexual for such a long time.
Hi Anonymous,
Relationships on Female First
This sounds like a very big shift in your relationship when what you thought you knew about your partner is no longer true.
He has got rid of the phone that he had all his pictures in, so it sounds like he is making an effort to take away the temptation. It is understandable that you feel uncomfortable with him sending pictures to other women- it is not technically cheating, like you say, but if it makes you uneasy then it needs to be addressed. He might have found it easier sending these women pictures if they also liked to cross dress or were not fazed by a man in women’s clothing. When someone does something that it not deemed the ‘norm’ often they seek likeminded people to share their passions with.
Even though it's a shock that he has come out as bisexual- it is testament that he feels he can be a lot more honest with you about himself- which could be a good thing. Strength in relationships comes from being able to tell your partner your deepest darkest secrets and if he feels he can do this now- then you should have no more things hidden from each other.
If you are finding the whole thing hard to process then perhaps some couples’ counselling might help. Threatening to take your baby away could make things worse- if he has an addiction to cross dressing then this will only suppress how he is not cure him. If you receive some professional help then you might be able to understand why he feels it’s hard to stop and tell him exactly how it’s affecting your relationship. Maybe with some commitment and patience from both of you, you might be able to rebuild that trust again.
tagged in Pregnancy Partner Baby yin and yang agony aunt
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