John asks :
Hi Lucy,
I am currently working in a mostly male working environment and am finding some of the colleagues to be pretty crass and vulgar. I keep getting comments like "are you gay" "when was the last time you had sex", amongst other things that are none of their business. When I spoke to one of the lads later he said he only does it to get a reaction but what I thought was its so unnecessary, I try to ignore it but it's constant and he keeps saying if I don't stand up for myself other people will think I'm a pushover - the thing is I don't want to get into arguments so would rather just ignore him but he is so disrespectful & the other part of me thinks if I put my head in the sand it will just get worse. Another worrying thing is that people keep asking me if I am gay and also a Virgin? It must be some energy I put out but I am not a virgin and definitely not gay? Any ideas?
Hi John,
Agony Aunts on Female First
A male dominated environment is very testosterone charged- so therefore full of men wanting to be the top dog. This is all down to your biology- most men instinctively fight to be the alpha male whether they realise it or not. Many think that this can be achieved by being the most verbal and attracting the most attention from the other men around them.
From their point of view all of the attention is being directed at you. The supposed allegations of your sexuality or whether or not you are sexually active takes the focus off them. Perhaps they have been the brunt of ridicule in the past, so are trying their best to avoid it now by shifting the focus.
‘Gay’ and ‘virgin’ are easy insults to dish out, so I wouldn't examine them too much- they require little thought and unfortunately, often the biggest laughs. Maybe go and see your boss and tell them about the trouble you are having in the office. If these guys think they can get away with this kind of behaviour then there could be others in your office suffering from the same kind of attention. You have a job to do and you should not have to feel uncomfortable in your working environment.
If you rise to their comments then the likelihood is that they will carry on because you are reacting to them. Chances are they will find something new to move their focus onto if you ignore them. You should not have to adopt their behaviour to fit in if that is not who you are.
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