Sharlene asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my bf for nearly 3 years. His father passed away July this year. We have a long distance relationship and manage to see each other once a month. He's a very organised person and isn't very spontaneous so everything has to be planned. Recently we went on holiday that was planned before his father passed. We had a wonderful time and didn't really mention the death as to not make him blue. The holiday was an escape for him. Recently he has been acting very strange and I'm wondering if he is becoming depressed. We were meant to meet up for our weekend and he cancelled on me telling me that he isn't well and we aren't getting along (which is true) for the past 10 days we haven't had a verbal conversation because he is very stubborn and said he doesn't want to speak to me because he says I'm very negative and I go on and on about negative things in our relationship. So he hasn't rang me to talk with me and he's cancelled our meeting. He told me the other day I was immature because I always ask him "what's new". I do struggle with the distance in our relationship and would like it to just end. He isn't into living with anyone unless he's married but he isn't ready to be married yet so the distance continues. Aside from planning our meetings he doesn't try very hard to help me cope with our long distance relationship. I'm always telling him I miss him and I love him and can't wait to see him his response will always be I miss you too or I love you too. He rarely says things to me first. Recently he's been saying things to me like I'm selfish and only think of myself and I wasn't helpful to him when his father passed and I asked him why he cancelled our weekend will seeing me make him feel worst he said "probably yes" he won't tell me what's wrong with him because he says I don't care because I'm selfish and think about myself. I'm just not sure why he's verbally abusing me refusing to see me and didn't want to speak with me. I'm trying to be understanding. Is he suffering from grief? This all started ten days ago when I told him that I felt like things aren't very good between us when we are apart and that when his father passed I felt helpless because we lived so far apart and I couldn't really do much and it was heart breaking that we couldn't be closer and that's what he snapped and told me I was selfish and a bunch of other things and I really don't understand what to do.
Our Reply
Hi Sharlene thanks for getting in touch.
If his father has just passed then he may need some local help with this. You can only do so much from afar, so perhaps he needs to pay a visit to the doctor and organise a visit to get a referral to a counsellor. Or encourage him to call the Samaritans if he needs to talk to someone in the early hours.
Perhaps addressing the negative aspects of your relationship was not the best timing. He has already felt a loss this year and if he suspects that he might lose you too he will be protecting himself by not contacting you. He might assume that you are going to end things which he is not ready to face.
Grief can be a very selfish thing- you become wrapped up in your own feelings and often everyone else’s feelings seem insignificant in comparison- It could be that he thinks your concerns about your long distance relationship are not as important as what is going on in his life right now.
Try your very best to talk to him again, as this is likely what he needs right now. Talking will strengthen your relationship back up again. It is in our nature to comfort people in times of need with personal contact and without that is can be frustrating, but try consider how he is feeling and talk things through. He may not be acting like himself but grief comes through in many forms and sometimes the ones we love the most get the greatest brunt of someone’s emotional highs and lows after a death.
Lucy x
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