Rach asks :
Hi Lucy,
I recently got married and I am yet to have sex with my husband, it’s not like we would be losing our virginity together but I just don’t have the confidence to do it. What makes this harder is that all my friends are having babies and everyone keeps asking when will it be us, my husband just says ‘its fine whenever you’re ready’ but this doesn't console me either.
Hi Rach,
Agony Aunts on Female First
The longer you leave it the more pressure you might put on yourself as you build it up in your mind. If you got married before having sex, then it sounds like he thinks an awful lot about you in other areas of your relationship and perhaps does not prioritise sex over other qualities he finds attractive in you.
If it doesn’t go to plan, then that’s ok- couples rarely get it right the first time- just learn from it, laugh it off and try again. It is not the end of the world or your relationship if he or you don’t orgasm, or you don’t get a good rhythm going or if it hurts- all of this takes time to perfect- the most exciting part is learning how to get each other off and exploring different ways to get there.
Maybe try not to compare yourself to others- this does no one any good. It is a natural question to ask newlyweds when they are going to have children so try not to read too much into it. People just like to make conversation and this, for most, is a natural progression. That does not mean it needs to be for you and it’s arguable that it’s none of their business anyway.
Perhaps the reason you are finding it hard is because you are pairing the two together- having babies and sex, when they can be separate. If you want to just have sex for fun, then as long as you are protected there is no need to think about children just yet if you are not ready to.
Sex can just be about two people in the moment, embracing being a monogamous couple- not a precursor to having a family.
Perhaps try to separate one from the other and try to enjoy it rather than letting it have an agenda.
If your husband does not console you then perhaps you need to initiate the conversation here. Talking about it may be the first step for you both- if you can’t talk about sex then actually having it might be too huge a step for you. You never know, talking about it in detail might get you in the mood for more.
tagged in Husband married yin and yang agony aunt
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