Kate asks :
Hi Lucy,
I was called another woman's name during sex. This was several years ago and I can't seem to get over it - it makes me feel sick and very hurt. I brushed it under the carpet at the time, probably knowing that it was for the best or else it could have ruined our marriage. The 'other woman' was someone we were both friends with and I know my husband had a crush on her. We have now been married for nearly 30 years and I still love my husband very much and I know he loves me but I need to somehow forget what he did.
Hi Kate,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This does sound like something that could hurt deeply in a marriage, especially when you knew that he had a crush on this woman at the time.
Have you talked to your husband about this? It sounds like you have not discussed how much this is eating you up inside and it might be worth bringing it up even if it is long after the event.
The most important thing is that he may have had a crush on this woman but he married you. If you still have an active sex life and you know that he still loves you, then he likely treasures what you have and still find you attractive or he wouldn’t be in it with you.
Looking at the bigger picture here- a crush is potentially nothing compared to the history you have together. It is normal for men to find other women attractive while they are in a committed relationship, just as you might admire another man. We are all programmed to find multiple people attractive it’s if we act on it that makes or breaks a relationship. It is unfortunate that this woman was so close to you both however you speak of her and his crush in the past tense, so I am assuming that she is no longer in your life anymore. It might be harder if she were still around. Perhaps the thing stopping you from moving on is that your partner has not reassured you that it meant nothing. It might be worth asking him why he felt he said it and how you can push past this together.
Lucy has worked as a volunteer for Mind and The Samaritans and was a mentor at the University of Central Lancashire in her third year. She has just completed her Level 2 Counselling Concepts Course at Warrington Collegiate.
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