G asks :
Hi Lucy,
I do not know whether to confront my boyfriend of 18 months about his lying. We are both in our mid-twenties, pretty serious relationship as we are saving for our first home. Both very happy, hardly any arguments, only when I bring up my issues of trust! He has never cheated and he is such a thoughtful/romantic boyfriend. But I have issues from past relationships that I am struggling to get rid of. Anything can set me off thinking that he is cheating or not interested anymore, and this is when I panic and go through his phone or stalk the girls he works with!! I have just found out that he has told a couple of white lies to me; 1) being that he went to a business meeting with an old work colleague (girl), he told me he went on his own. 2) he went for after work drinks with the directors etc., but also the girl from work went with them, as shown on her twitter page and conversations to my boyfriend's friend at work I know he isn’t cheating on me with either of them but I just don’t know whether to confront him (but then he will think I am a bunny boiler control freak) or just put it down to the fact that the truth my start an argument. I just want to stop worrying and put my past trust issues behind so we can enjoy our future!!
Hi G,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It can be hard to trust a person after being hurt but sometimes you need to put your faith in other people and hope that the signs are telling you that they won’t hurt you.
If he is saving up for a home with you are you are in a ‘serious relationship’, then it sounds like he is committed. If he did want to leave he might have already done so by now. If he has stuck around then that could mean that he wants a future with you.
If you are ‘happy’ and ‘don’t have any arguments’ then perhaps these are also positive indicators that you work well as a couple. If he is 'thoughtful' and 'romantic' then that could mean that he cares about you and wants to do these things to make you happy- he doesn’t have to- but he does. If he was thinking about leaving why would he go out of his way?
Perhaps he didn’t tell you about the woman from work because he knew how you would react. It might not have been to cover anything up but more to stop any friction between the both of you.
Perhaps try to stop looking at his Facebook page and phone as you could be making assumptions about things without the whole story.
If you ‘know he isn’t cheating’ on you then perhaps you could try and take a step back when you feel yourself tipping into sceptical territory. If he feels he is constantly under your gaze then he is probably more likely to trip up or pull away from you- if you are a bit more easy going and give him some freedom, chances are you will have a lot happier relationship. A bit of jealousy shows you care but take it too far and the relationship can seem controlling and monitored and no-one wants to feel like that.
Just because you were hurt in the past does not mean that every guy is the same. If you do ask him about it, then maybe do it at a moment when you are calm and you could mention how him not telling you made you feel and ask him why he didn't care to mention it to you.
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