Anonymous asks :
Hi Lucy,
I feeling really left out at the minute and I feel really childish about it but at the same time really upset. I have two sisters, we're so different and always have been they like shopping and clubbing while I enjoy a quiet night at the pub now and then and don't really engage in fashion, but still get on with them. They don't invite me out when they go to lunch with my dad and his girlfriend and have done this a few times now, and made a point of not having an invite seems as they all met at my house (without telling me they were coming). They have nights in just the two of them to have a drink of wine and watch films but I never hear about it till after it's happened. I have also had an invite to my eldest sisters friends party which she had for her daughter’s birthday, she asked me to bring my son and would have loved to have gone but my sister didn't tell me till the day of the party even though she was asked 3 weeks before hand. I have a feeling it's because I have a child, now 3, who can play up sometimes because he has autism, but my partner just thinks they don't think about it or forget. Three days ago my dad and his girlfriend showed up at my house just as I was finishing dinner off, I asked if they wanted some but they said no because my sisters were coming and they were going for something to eat. I said ‘Thanks for the invite dad’, he just said ‘we didn't think you'd want to come’. I wouldn't let it go even when my sisters got there by saying things like, 'isn't it so nice to spend time with the family' and 'if I'd have known you were all coming I would have made sure to get out something nice to wear you're all so dressed up.' I was upset because again I wasn't even asked but it's getting to my partner because they keep just turning up unannounced. It's getting to me so much, I feel hurt about this and the fact that they might be doing this because my son (their nephew) can be a bit loud (they have made comments about his behaviour before) but he isn't uncontrollable. I don't even know what to say to them anymore. What should I do?
Our Reply
Hi Anonymous,
You say that you don’t know what to say to them so perhaps write it all down like you have here.
You have very clearly explained in your letter to me what has bothered you- so perhaps write them each a letter expressing how their behaviour is making you feel. Maybe ask for their honesty in return as to why they are forgetful when it comes to inviting you to places.
Or could you have a family meeting to talk though all of this? Perhaps ask them how they would feel if you turned up unannounced at their house or if they were the ones who were not invited out as a family or invited at the last minute. It seems that they are making assumptions about what you want to do or not do- so maybe ask them to ask you the question rather than just guessing what your answer will be.
Perhaps take your partner so you don’t feel outnumbered so he can chip in if you feel you have lost your train of thought. If he is feeling the pressure of them turning up unannounced then maybe he has a few things to say too. You assume that they have an issue with you bringing your son- however this might not be the case- however you will not know until you talk to them. It might be about something you have not even thought about or realised, or it could be, like your partner says- simply that they are forgetful.
You have said that you don’t know how to talk to them, but perhaps you need to find a way or this could carry on without them really knowing just how much it’s affecting you.
tagged in Sister yin and yang agony aunt
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