Kerry asks :
Hi Lucy,
I am in a really difficult relationship; he lives with his mother and we have kids together. He looks after them so I can go to work as I have no family. I do not love him anymore; he thinks he is in control, he would not have sex while I was fat. I am now losing weight and he is wanting to have sex. I have a Scorpio male penfriend in USA to be released from prison next year. He says he loves me and we write very passionate letters to one another. I would love to meet him when he is released. I feel as though I am cheating I am so confused I don’t know how I feel but my penfriend is in my thoughts 24/7. He knows about my relationship if you can call it that. I’m scared of losing my penfriend. I so don’t know what to do.
Hi Kerry,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Perhaps look at each situation separately. If you don’t love your boyfriend anymore and he only wants to be intimate with you when you are slimmer, then perhaps it’s time to find someone who loves you for you and who you could love back. Or perhaps you could enrol in some counselling to try and rediscover the love you once had for him and explore how his conditions on your sex life make you feel.
Sometimes when you have children you can be better parents apart rather than together- if indeed you are happier without one another. Some counselling might not only help your relationship but also as parents working as a team. It might be wise to make a decision on your current relationship and decide what is best by your children before thinking of being with anyone else.
If you are writing ‘passionate letters’ to another man then this could also be a sign that your relationship might be suffering. Perhaps he is filling the gaps left by your partner, making you more drawn to him. If writing the letters makes you happy and you are scared to lose him then perhaps continue to write them- however a break from them while you decide what you need to do might prevent clouding your judgement. You mention being afraid of losing your penfriend but not your boyfriend so it sounds like he might mean more to you than you partner right now.
Try to remember that your relationship with your pen friend is not a realistic one- people can be very different in letters to real life so try to keep in mind that he is showing you the best side of himself and probably you to him in these well thought out exchanges.
Whatever you decide, it might help you if you try to keep the two separate to stop you feeling so confused about what to do next.
tagged in Kick Ass Mother Relationship yin and yang agony aunt
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