Raju asks :
Hi Lucy,
It's getting increasingly difficult to live with my husband. I don't know whether it's him or me, and want you to tell it to me straight! We've been married 42 years and he's always had some annoying habits which I excused, putting it down to his typical Indian upbringing, where the boys are treated as special and never required to do anything in the home, even for themselves. He is otherwise a great guy, has always taken care of me and the kids, working hard to earn the best he can for us. In the last six months or so, he has become increasingly less considerate of those about him. Especially at home, with me. I'm sure he does it completely unintentionally, but it's the small things that are getting worse. Here are a few examples: - If he's getting out of bed in the middle of the night, he'll throw his side of the covers off and let them fall on me with a thud. When he's coming back to bed, he'll inadvertently pull the covers off me in his attempt to cover himself up again. I don't know if this is common with me, but I don't remember being so rudely awakened previously. - This morning was the last straw that made me look for help. We have just the one bathroom. He had been on the commode for about 20 minutes when I knocked to say I needed to pee. "Okay", he said AND JUMPED INTO THE SHOWER!!! Now I'm 65 years old and he knows I have a problem but there I was, leaking onto the floor. These are just two examples but things like that happen ALL THE TIME! Please believe me when I say it's all the time! I love this man to bits and try to stay calm but sometimes I lose it and always hate the way I react when these small but annoying things happen. Is the problem with me? Sometimes I suspect he might have ADD, on top of his problem with mild depression. Please help me!
Our Reply
Hi Raju,
Every relationship has these little niggles that to others may seem insignificant but after 42 years of the same thing, it can become quite wearing.
You have not mentioned talking to him about this- perhaps sit down with him and tell him about all of these things that are bothering you. They are, realistically, little changes to make- if he puts his mind to it- but he should understand how much it’s affecting you first. If you use this morning as an example perhaps- which sounds like it was very stressful for you- then maybe he could understand that all you are looking for is a bit of consideration. This might get a better reaction than ‘losing it’ which you say you have done in the past. It might be better to speak to him once you have calmed down and talk more rationally about things. The worst thing can be trying to get your point across when you are angry as it often results in saying things that you don’t necessarily mean.
You say that you still love him- so that is a really good basis to work upon these issues with. If they don’t improve perhaps you could suggest some counselling? It is never too late to treat your relationship to some extra help if it needs it- so maybe give that a try.
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