Alyx asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've recently fallen in love with the women of my dreams and nothing could be sweeter between us, we laugh, we have fun and I can't ever see myself with anyone else. However she has this friend, who has expressed feelings for her. Now at first I wasn't bothered but it kind of grew inside me this unknown jealousy. The way he talked to her I found offensive and when I asked her she would just say 'That’s just him' it came to a head when I took her phone and text him telling him that I find him inappropriate, to which he offered abuse and violence. My girlfriend was very upset that I had betrayed her and used her phone. So I told her it wouldn’t happen again and that I was sorry and that not another word will come from me on who she can be friends with. As it is her choice. However he has just sent her a picture of his you know what in a (I assume) some sort of bid to get me angry at him or to somehow attract her. Now the problem isn’t a fear she will leave me I know she won’t. I just can’t get my head around how she can still want to be his friend, by how he has spoken to her, his inappropriateness and my clear upset at him being her friend. I'm finding it hard to judge the line between my feelings being a thing to be dealt with, and that I'm being to 'controlling' over who she can be friends with. She makes me feel in the wrong and that I blow it out of proportions, should I swallow pride and allow him to continue to have a friendship that could lead to more agro? Or do I say that my feelings matter in this relationship and that I'm upset? I just feel that I am acting the same way anyone would, but due to the context and that I, drew first blood in the row between me and him, does that mean I lose gravity in my argument as she blames me for losing her friend. Please help me sort this crazy situation out. Lots of Love, Alyx
Hi Alyx,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Relationships can be difficult when one of the couple has a friend of the opposite sex. Perhaps you could have asked her or talked to her first when you wanted to confront him- if you found this didn’t work then maybe you could talk to her about it and try your hardest not to get angry as it sounds like this isn’t solving anything.
Could you ask her how she would feel if you were getting nude pictures from one of your female friends? It might seem normal to her, however if the roles were reversed then she might feel differently.
From his point of view; if his goal is to get her to be his partner, then he might try anything to put you in a bad light. If you keep kicking off about this then she might gravitate words him more. If you can find it in yourself to keep your cool, and focus on what you both have together then he might stop sending such provocative texts. He might enjoy the rise he is getting from you- however if he sees how happy you are together then he might realize that his energy is wasted on pursuing her.
If you trust her not to cheat then it sounds like its more him than her, however it does seem that her reluctance to take into account your feelings is frustrating for you.
If you think that her being friends is always going to be problem then you might need to make the choice of whether or not you can cope with him in your girlfriend’s life long term. Or is it always going to be an argument between you both?
If she has had this sort of honest relationship with him for a long time then it might be difficult to dial it back now she is with you. That said, usually somewhere conscience comes into play on what might be deemed appropriate things to do while in a relationship. It might just be that she likes the attention of having someone other than you that finds her attractive- however if it’s to the detriment of your relationship then it could question her commitment to you.
tagged in Love friend yin and yang agony aunt
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