Sarah asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been married for 20 years to Allan. In all those years we've hardly ever been out socially together. He works away a lot and says he has a stressful job so when he comes home for the weekend he likes to wind down by going out to his local and having a fair amount to drink. He goes out most Fridays, most Saturday afternoons and every Sunday day time. I've now accepted this and really am past caring. I don't see why I should have a sexual relationship with him if I don't have any other type of relationship. He doesn't get this. He thinks because we've got a nice home, car, money etc. I should be content. He also thinks going out for lunch with our daughters once in a blue moon and taking us to Amble on a bank holiday once a year is enough. Am so sick of this dead end marriage and fell out of love with him years ago. He refuses to sell the house and tells me to go if I'm not happy but why should I? Our daughters think he's a waste of space. A while ago I became close to someone. I texted them for a short while. We never met up, we just texted. It fizzled out but Allan read one of the texts. He won't let it drop and I know it was wrong but I admit I liked the attention. I'm so confused. Am I being unreasonable?
Hi Sarah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
It is not unreasonable to want to spend more time with your spouse or to want some attention from the man you are married to.
If he won’t sell the house then have you considered a divorce? If he is not willing to acknowledge that the marriage is in trouble then perhaps if you talk to him about legally splitting up he might sit up and pay attention. It will also ensure that you don’t just move out with nothing to your name if you do decide to go your separate ways.
If he doesn’t spend a lot of time with you then he might not realise how bad it has gotten. Could you suggest some couples counselling to address the time he spends with you and your daughters and the state of your marriage? Or do you feel like there is nothing at all left to work with here?
It sounds like this could be a last resort- if that doesn’t work then maybe it’s time to look into a new life as a single woman and enjoy the freedom of texting who you want. If you haven’t been in love with him for years, you have no sexual relationship and never see each other, then it sounds like you are existing as lodgers right now. It seems like the decision has already been made in your mind, so perhaps now it’s just about putting the steps in place to make the move away.
tagged in Marriage Love Relationship married yin and yang agony aunt
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