Jen asks :
Hi Lucy,
My husband left me for a woman he has been having an affair with for three years. We have a one year old. I don't think it's right to deprive a child of their father so I have been very accommodating letting him have the baby around his work shifts. However, he has recently put forward a set shifts rota which will start soon. He didn't consult me on this at all and from what I can see I get one Saturday night off every two weeks. I'm not shallow but I am trying to build a new life for myself and would like some weekend time. He says it's as fair as he can make it and won't change it. He's refusing to tell me what nights he intends to have the baby until it is confirmed in work so then he can't change it. Should I then give him my own offer of access and tell him to work around it or not see his son at all? I could give him a couple of options to choose from.
Our Reply
Hi Jen,
It sounds like he might have little choice in the matter re his shifts- if he does- would you contesting it make him change his mind? If he has already told you that it’s ‘as fair as he can make it’ then maybe he’s telling the truth. Does this arrangement last forever or does he have to submit his hours every so often? Maybe this won’t be permanent but will change every few months or so, giving you some time at weekends for yourself.
Could you make arrangements with a friend or family member to take your baby for you on the odd Saturday to ease things a little and give you some weekend time?
If you are thinking about dating a lot of dating sites now run meet and greets on weekdays so you could be out meeting new people any day of the week in theory. If he can’t look after your child, then maybe someone would do it for you if you are stuck.
If you are the primary caregiver, then he might have to bend around you sometimes too- so it could be a bit of give and take on both parts. You could give him some options to choose from- that way he can’t complain that you are not letting him see his son- so you are doing everything you can. There could be weeks where the arrangement has to alter slightly, however you might find that you can get a routine going that suits both of you.
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