How do couples cope when they live and work together?

15 December 2008

With more couples choosing to combine their work and private lives, FemaleFirst asks: How are relationships affected when couples live and work together?

For many couples, spending quality time together is limited to evenings and weekends, when daily chores and paying bills often interrupt the proceedings.

But other couples tackle such problems by living and working side-by-side, enabling them to spend twenty-four hours a day together.

One the one hand, this lifestyle has many benefits, in that couples develop clear understandings of each other’s working commitments and personal priorities.

This can often bring people closer together, as each appreciate what their spouse is going through and can offer appropriate advice and support.

Also, working couples can suitably establish daily routines of commuting together, eating dinner together and sharing sleeping patterns, which contribute towards a general sense of well-being and harmony.

However, there is a risk of such routines becoming too regimented for some couples, and many find it difficult to combine their home and professional roles effectively.

In order to reduce confrontation, some couples establish clear boundaries to help separate their work and family life, such as allocating specific times during the day that work issues should not be discussed.

Relationship expert April Masini, of askapril.com, says: “If you don’t have ‘safe time’, you may both be walking around on eggshells in the house just waiting for one or the other to spring some business talk when you’re trying to decompress and relax”.

Using this method, couples may choose not to discuss work problems whilst having breakfast or driving to work, as these are times when people are likely to be tired and vulnerable. This approach also prevents the working day from starting before 9am, and enables couples to feel comfortable in each other’s company.

Similarly, it is sensible for couples to refrain from talking about work problems in particular rooms of the house, such as bedrooms, and to ensure that only one person uses the bathroom at a time during the week. This allows couples to have some alone-time as they relax in the bath or get ready for work, and discourages arguments before the day has even properly begun.

Masini adds: “There’s nothing like work to kill your sex life, or even make your morning shower incredibly tense if your spouse is trying to talk business with you”.

An agreement towards separating the two aspects of living and working together is a popular approach towards helping couples deal with such confined environments, and it’s important for couples to learn how to maintain a romantic bond at home whilst remaining professional at work.

Zeynep Ilgaz, author for ezinearticles.com, works with her husband and suggests that: “What happens at work stays at work, and what happens at home stays at home”.

She adds: “My husband and I might have a disagreement at home in the morning, but when we arrive at work it's like nothing has happened. We’ll return back to our discussion when we get back home”.

However, this could be criticised as being an unrealistic ideal, suggesting instead that couples allow work to affect their home life as any other couple would.

Partners who don’t work together often discuss their jobs at home, as it helps them to deal with certain situations, and many people want to share professional achievements with their loved ones in ways that cannot be done in the office, such as going out for a special meal (or something more intimate).

Alicia Fortinberry, psychotherapist and relationship expert for upliftprogram.com, says: “Work should be part of a continuum, something that the group shares together. The idea that "work-time" and "time-off" are separate is a false distinction”.

On that note, it’s also necessary for lovers to occasionally forget about both their work and home commitments, and going on dates and meeting up with friends are the most ideal ways for people to set boundaries between their ‘work self’ and their ‘social self’.

Couples who establish clear roles at work normally do the same at home, allocating specific jobs for each partner, such as one cooking the evening meals and the other cleaning up afterwards. This way, every aspect of their lives are mutually agreed upon, which helps to reduce conflict.

However, this is not as easily achieved in the professional environment as it is in the home, as couples don’t have control over everything that happens at work, and must learn to deal with unforeseeable occurrences.

In this instance, it is unrealistic to expect working couples to handle conflict together in the same way as they would with other colleagues, because many will not be used to an interruption in their agreed terms and practised routines.

The best solution is for couples to recognise this particular weakness, and to take the disagreement elsewhere. Other colleagues will notice partners who argue in the office, and possibly lose respect for them for allowing things to get too personal. Some colleagues often gossip about such things too, diminishing any professional authority that the couple had.

Therefore, if partners discuss their issues in a neutral environment, they can deal with the situation without external pressures from work colleagues, and in turn avoid embarrassment when future problems arise.

Masini says: “Don’t be afraid to treat your spouse the same way you would another co-worker. If you have to say something that you know may evoke emotions, and it has to do with business, ask your spouse if you can meet at a coffee shop at a particular time to have a meeting”.

In relation to agreed routines such as this, it is also necessary for couples to define certain lunchtime rituals, such as deciding on which days to each lunch together, alone, or with other people. This is an excellent opportunity for couples to spend more time with other colleagues, and to build relationships with them so as avoid secluding themselves from the wider working group.

It’s important that couples are viewed as contributors to the professional network, rather than outsiders, because while they are a two-man-team in the home, they must recognise and enforce their wider social roles within the work place.

In this way, Fortinberry suggests, couples have “support, fresh ideas and company. The nuclear family was never meant to be an isolated unit; that's one reason why half of all couples divorce. And it's one of the reasons that intentional communities are becoming so popular”.

Alternatively, couples sometimes use lunch-time to spend quality time together out of the office, by going for walks or visiting favoured cafés.

On this note, couples can also distance themselves from their perceived work personas by developing shared interests and hobbies together, such as couple-friendly sports. However, this may leave little time for any personal space, and some couples would rather pursue individual interests, such as exercising, reading or meeting up with friends.

Such considerations need to be discussed between couples, but they are of less concern for those who set up businesses in the first place than they are for couples who join existing companies.

Fortinberry says: “With an increase in the number of small, often franchised businesses being set up on the back of redundancy payments, and with a growth in the numbers of people who telecommute from home, more couples are living and working together”.

Opening hotels, restaurants and leisure centres are ideal investments for couples who wish to work together, as they can outline the rules themselves. Also, there is a popular market abroad for working couples, including innkeepers, cleaners and teachers.

As working commitments and divorce rates increase across Britain, it’s a good time for couples to consider such a lifestyle in an attempt to spend more time together and strengthen their relationships, and for many, it’s a positive change.

By Kay Taylor