Relationship Advice
While girlfriends, friends at work and your mum might be obvious favourites, a sample of 1,032 people in the UK showed that a third would like to involve a stranger, and try couples’ therapy. The study, by Mentaline, the world’s largest online therapy and coaching platform, also found that just over half of the people asked felt their relationship is stressful at times. The top five reasons for relationships being stressful were: money, arguments, disagreements, sex life and in-laws.
If you’re considering seeking professional support, be aware that it might not meet with much enthusiasm from some men, notorious for being content to keep ‘talking about it’ to a minimum. Phillip Hodson, Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy says: “It’s common for men to be accused by their partners of stone-walling, refusing to talk about problems. That is a good enough reason alone to prompt a woman to want to seek the support of a third party, a counsellor. It’s also one of the most destructive forms of behaviour in a relationship.”
But despite the potential for one half of the relationship to be sceptical, involving a third party to help resolve problems is clearly generating a lot of interest. Perhaps more women are deciding that talking to close friends about their problems on Facebook, by text, or over coffee or cocktails, should only be the start of confronting relationship problems. After all, friends might listen and can be an essential lifeline at times but it’s not uncommon for them to also tell you what to do – and often only from hearing half the story. Friends will assume they know what is right for you but as Erica Jong, American authoress, says: “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” How much help is it really to ask all of my friends what they’d do if they were in my predicament? A counsellor or therapist isn’t involved, so I’m going to get objectivity rather than sympathy.
Phillip Hodson points out that relationships are not meant to be a template for happiness. “We’re not meant to be in a state of ecstasy 365 days a year. It would be a pretty dry run if there were never any contrast. Sometimes, the outcome of therapy will be to quit worrying about ‘what am I not getting’ and to focus on the question ‘Can I want what I can get?’ A word of caution, too – to understand the difference between counselling and coaching. A coach will give you answers. With a counsellor you’ll explore what you feel, where the pinch points are, what’s negotiable and what are breaking-up issues, but you’ll find the answers yourself.”
If you’re keen to try couples’ therapy because you’re either miserable, feeling threatened or your partner won’t listen to you, but you can’t get him or her to go with you, don’t be afraid to go alone; it’s worth it, even if it just gives you the chance to clarify the problems in your own mind. Going by yourself can sometimes be enough of a reason for the other person to go – in a way, they want to make sure their side of the story is heard.
Andrea Lindsay, a professional available through Mentaline.com, said: “A professional relationship therapist can provide a structured, safe environment to explore individual differences and seek solutions to problems together. They work with you to identify and discuss what is causing difficulties between you. They will help you find ways of relating to one another better and how you can move forward together in your own way.”
Sometimes, when you’re stuck in the fog of a failing relationship, the hardest thing is to be able to look at your problem from the outside – to see things objectively. When you talk to a friend, do you go home feeling empowered and ready to assert yourself, having overdone talk of all the negatives? The point of couples’ therapy should be to take a look at what’s really binding between you both and to come away with a sense of determination. Essentially, as Phillip Hodson explains, to tell your story to a stranger, you need to present a narrative with a beginning, a middle and an ending and, in doing so, you’re often able to see things more clearly.
FemaleFirst Amy Grace