Sexual health campaigner and writer, Dr Tuppy Owens, has spent decades supporting people with disabilities to enjoy their relationships. Dr Owens founded The Outsiders Club, which works internationally, is a platform for socially and physically disabled people to meet online or in person.
Relationships on Female First
It provides support on relationships, sexuality, dating and sexual services to people with disabilities, as well as to a range of therapists and health and social care professionals.
We asked Dr Tuppy to shed some light on what ways disability can affect a loving relationship.
1) Communication may be difficult if one is speech impaired or newly deaf.
2) With sight loss, you are unable to admire your partner's body (or be turned on by it in a visual way).
3) Lack of movement means the other may have to move your hand to touch and pleasure you.
4) If one has ME/Chronic Fatigue, they need to keep reminding their partner that 'being too tired' does not mean you've gone off them.
5) Incontinence needs to be regarded in a light-hearted, accepting manner when having sex, without embarrassment (which many couples find very difficult).
6) People with Aspergers may not be able to 'do' empathy, which is difficult for the other person in a crisis.
7) If one partner is also the carer, they need to separate this role from their sexual role (maybe bringing in a 'bedroom companion' to support the impaired person). Having other carers in the house can be an irritant.
8) If a new impairment brings with it a lower sex drive, an agreement may have to be reached that the horny partner uses sex workers or a lover, and ensuring there is as little jealousy as possible.
9) Perhaps the person with the impairment has been 'cared for' all their lives and they rejoice when they find someone to care for, not in a physical way, but a psychological way.
10) A change in a bodily function can mean renegotiating what sex really means and, for many, this opens up a whole new world of goal-free, pleasure focused intimacy.