A recent study by www.xoomworks.com/bi found a significant gender gulf when it comes to first impressions and dating. We talked to relationship coach Annie Kaszina about why this might be, how this affects the dating scene and whether a dating algorithm really is the answer.
Relationships on Female First
Why are men more dispassionate when it comes to affairs of the heart?
Men are, arguably, more dispassionate than women when it comes to affairs of the heart because they tend to use the logical, rational left side of the brain rather more consistently than do women. What's more, not only do women use both sides of their brain but they have a larger Corpus Callosum. This means that women can transfer data between the left and right side of the brain faster than men can.
Why are men more likely than women to overlook bad first impressions?
This is an interesting question. Research carried out by Xoomworks suggests this to be the case. I'm not sure that this finding fits with the experience of my female clients. I would be inclined to want more information including:
- How representative Xoomworks' male sample was.
- Why, specifically, they would be more likely to overlook a bad first impression.
Why are men more likely than women to date someone they are not attracted to right way?
It's possible that the men surveyed had lost confidence in their own ability to choose a suitable partner and therefore were feeling more open-minded than they otherwise might be. Or else, it could just mean that the women interviewed said they would be quite uncompromising as regards attraction. Perhaps we should not entirely exclude the possibility that, for both sexes, there can be a discrepancy between what they say, and what they do.
Why do men prefer to have a partner who is less intelligent than they are?
It has long been suggested that for a lot of men, at least initially, a woman's looks are at least as important as her intelligence. Men, generally, are more competitive than women. Long-term, it would be hard to sustain a competitive intimate relationship between two people who are both trying to establish themselves as having the superior intelligence. Everybody wants to feel acknowledged and appreciated in a relationship. Men love to feel that their partner looks up to them. Theoretically, a less intelligent woman is more likely to look up to her man.
Why are women less prepared than men to date someone whom they have nothing in common with?
This may have something to do with the fact that women are highly empathetic, and therefore supremely talented at finding something in common with people. Besides, many women really buy into that old belief that opposites attract. Someone who is the opposite of you is, in reality, someone with whom you likely have very little in common. On the other hand, attraction, and chemistry, can feel like you have something very powerful in common.
Why are women less likely to put their romantic lives in the hands of an algorithm? Does it have anything to do with a man's supposed love of gadgets?
Men's great likelihood of putting their romantic lives in the hands of an algorithm relates to their tendency to favour left-brain thinking. That certainly fits with a love of gadgets. Women pride themselves on being heart-centred. Entrusting their love life to an algorithm goes against the grain.
Are there any benefits to kissing a lot of frogs before you find the one? Or is it ok to find your person and not have to learn from previous dating mistakes?
If you are one of those blessed women who know what (who) they are looking for, and know when they find it (him), you are truly blessed. Finding your Mr Right first off is a bit like passing your driving test first time. Because you had a greater aptitude and/or better preparation, you got it right first time round. There is nothing more about dating that you need to learn by having more 'lessons' or taking more 'tests'.
If, on the other hand, you're not so naturally blessed, chances are you will encounter a lot of frogs If you're someone who has already kissed a fair few frogs, you might like to ask yourself various questions, says leading relationship coach Annie Kaszia (www.anniekaszina.com) including:
- How many frogs do I want to kiss?
- How many frogs do I feel I want to mate with?
- Why do I keep meeting frogs? Could I be hanging out in the wrong ponds?
- How do I recognise a frog without wasting unnecessary time and energy?
- Should I, perhaps, ditch that old fairy tale belief that the right frog will turn into a prince?
- Why don't I just look for a prince in prince's clothing?
Do you see old fashioned dating eventually going out of the window?
It's tempting to say that old-fashioned dating is disappearing fast. However, the truth is rather different. The ways in which men and women have met, fallen in love, and married have been in constant evolution over the past 100 years or so. Even 50 years most men and women wanted the same thing - marriage, security, and a family - and followed the same guidelines in order to get them.
We're blessed with greater freedom than ever before to do what we please. We have more options than ever before as regards:
- Marrying and/or living together
- Coupling up for life, or until we get bored/fed up/ or something better comes along
- Having a heterosexual or a homosexual relationship
- Creating blended families
The net result is that there is a greater degree of having to 'make it up as you go along' than ever before in our relationships. What that means is that we cannot rely on society guiding us into, and supporting us in stable relationships any longer. We have to be very clear about what we want and how we can best go about achieving it. Just as we cannot rely on society providing us with a job for life any longer, we cannot rely on society guaranteeing us a relationship for life. We have to take responsibility for building wonderful relationships for ourselves, day by day, month by month, year by year.
Why does an algorithm, make things easier for nervous daters?
Nervous daters generally lack confidence in their own ability to attract the right partner for them. As they see it, they've messed up because they are all too human. They're worried they will do the same thing again. Computers and algorithms, on the other hand, don't make mistakes. They will process information thoroughly and accurately every time. Hence the attraction of turning something so important to an algorithm. The algorithm won't get confused, distracted, or overheated. Therefor the algorithm is bound to do a better job - isn't it?
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