There are only two things more stressful than splitting up - moving house and death. So, splitting up and moving house at the same time must be the most toxic stress cocktail ever, right? Not quite. Try splitting up, but not being able to move out because of the credit crunch.
Sex on Female First
My friend Sophie bought a brand-new barn conversion in the countryside with her boyfriend Jamie about 18 months ago. Even though they were still in the six-month honeymoon phase, it seemed like the logical thing to do. Unfortunately for Sophie, her relationship was destined to take a nose dive, like the house prices in the area. They'd never spent more than two nights a week together, and suddenly they were living like a married couple. Jamie's job went part time, money got tight, and they were bickering about everything. She wanted out while they were still speaking.
But that's the problem. Sophie can't get out. Their house has been on the market for almost a year, at less than the price they paid, and, until things pick up, she and Jamie are stuck – with their mortgage, the mounting bills, and worst of all, each other.
Their once cosy house now feels claustrophobic. Neither can move, their savings are tied up in their mortgage and their parents live too far away to head home. But this isn't a unique story. I talk with many married men, and some married women, who are in a similar situation. The pressures of meeting shared financial responsibilities can be a massive strain. So many are trapped in houses they can't sell, with partners they no longer want to live with. This is why the incidents of infidelity are on the increase, and more women are tolerating their husband’s affairs, almost ignoring them.
During a date with a potential new one this week we talked about his reasons for seeking a mistress. He has never done this before. I was his first date from illicitencounters.com and I was the first person he had flirted with/chatted to/met in over 15 years. He wasn't terribly good at the flirting, and was definitely out of practice, but he was lovely, courteous and a true gent. He's not right for me because he's looking for an escape route, and eventually a relationship with his 'mistress', but during our chat he explained his situation. The spark has gone with is live-in partner, but he can't bring himself to tell her it's over. He told me 'If I could move out, I would. But neither of us earn enough to buy again on our own, and I can't face making her homeless. I'm hoping if we sit it out long enough, and I distract myself elsewhere, things will pick up – either in the relationship, or in the housing market.'
I've been trying to help as much as possible, but simply don't have the space to ask Sophie to move in with me. As for my date, well I'm no one's escape route, and date attached guys for that very reason. I don't want the puppy-dog eyes on the doorstep, suitcase in hand. I have to admit, it must be miserable to see your money and your love life go down the tube but the most important thing I told Sophie, and my date, is to keep reminding yourself that it won't last. Tackle the problems on a practical front first, then on an emotional one. Create your own spaces in the home. Is there a chance to have a room each? Or is it better to rent out the whole place and both move out until it's sold?
Jamie and Sophie have come to a mutual agreement about their finances, but she is far more detached in the relationship than he is. My date, on the other hand, has well and truly turned off, but his poor girlfriend is completely oblivious, until she either finds out he is looking elsewhere, or he grows a pair and explains the situation. Whenever that is I have suggested (in both cases) that some physical separation will make handling the emotional fall out easier.
I explained, when you're sharing a bed, it's best to get out, even if it's onto the sofa. Keeping that 'possibility' open isn't fair on the person who least wants to split up. And during a dangerous drunken night, or a moment of weakness, all the previous relationship discussions could be rendered pointless. If you are at the point of moving on, please arrange any new dating well away from the home too – no one wants an escalating loud 'shag war' with their ex. Making 'house rules' can lessen the awkwardness of living as flatmates too. Sometimes even to the point where you can recover a friendship from the wreckage. Try to be kind, keep looking for alternative options, and you never know seeing each other differently may make you remember why you got together in the first place.
Karen using dating site illicitencounters.com
tagged in Love relationship advice cheating Real Life Story Affair Mistress