Couple making plans
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Today we talked to relationship and sex expert Jo Hemmings about the need for planned spontaneity with our partners.
Please can you tell us about the spontaneity study that you have done with lastminute.com?
There were 30 couples, who were given 2 different weeks. One of the weeks was standard routine and normal life and the other had tasks and spontaneous things to do each day. These ranged from small gestures to something bigger like booking a hotel away. Then we compared and contrasted how the couples felt after each week and particularly how they felt after the more spontaneous week.
Each couple kept a diary, below we have an extract form Abi and Jon, written by Abi, after Jon planned a surprise trip to the pub for pudding and a board game over a glass of wine.
‘Today was a strange day as we argued quite a lot during the day but then we had the evening that Jon had planned in secret and it was really nice. I really like surprises and when Jon does things spontaneously for me so I really appreciated the evening that we had together.’
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What is the ‘dating danger zone’ that happens in the months of June and July and why is this the time when relationships often break down?
I think there is a lot going on in the height of the summer. There are much lighter evenings; people take advantage of that, they might go out for drinks after work. Couples tend to live their lives more independently. It’s much busier, much more sociable, there is more temptation to meet someone else-we come alive. We go into a bit of hibernation in the winter and we don’t tend to question our relationships that much. In the summer, the opportunity to meet other people or to recognise that things are not always as they should be is probably bigger.
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Why are women often the driving force in making plans and why do their anxiety levels drop when they are in planning mode?
I think it’s a natural thing. In most couples- not always- women tend to be the ones who organise the social events. They are more likely to chat on the phone to friends or email and text their mates. They tend to be the ones who are the organisers of what they are going to do as a couple and keep the momentum going. Men are quite happy to allow it to happen.
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Why are men not natural planners and feel more anxious when they have to organise something?
They are not used to it. It’s not something they do; it’s something that they have defaulted to their partner. When they are asked to organise something they might panic a bit and have some misdirection because they don’t know what to do through lack of practice.
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How does their man taking the reins once in a while increase how much a woman feels loved?
Hugely. It makes a massive difference. A lot of the couples said that the experience had a really positive effect on their relationship and wanted to maintain it. The results were not what we expected. There was increased confidence and security in the relationship and much more communication was found between partners. I sometimes think when complacency sets in, we do communicate but not on a very meaningful level. It certainly increased intimacy levels so there was a lot more kissing, cuddling and touching as well as 33% who reported more sexual activity. All round it was highly beneficial for their relationships.
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What is ‘planned spontaneity’ and why is it the best way to increase mutual happiness?
I think it’s because we can find ourselves in a set routine and take each other for granted if you have been together for a while. ‘Planned spontaneity’ does not say that at that second something will happen, such as planning an unexpected holiday-it was found that women didn’t like this. Women need a bit of time to get their head around things. It is much more about planning to do something the following day for example or give each other a bit of warning that you can going to do something a bit different. It just injects some life and happiness back into relationship and connecting in the way you did when you first met. Life can sometimes overwhelm us and we don’t make the same sort of effort any more that we did in the very early days.
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Why can breaking the routine twice a week rather than once work wonders in a relationship?
It’s sustaining ‘planned spontaneity’ if you like. It shows that this isn’t just a one off. Sometimes people can get suspicious by a one off, almost like it’s a cover up, whereas if you have made a decision that you are going to inject this into your life and you do it once or twice or more there is a sense of continuity. The important thing is not to do too much of it. Studies show that if you just throw everything at it and be as spontaneous as you can and use every idea you have got over a short period of time it just becomes exhausting. People become fatigued and exhausted- they get tired. There is definitely a balance to get it right- how often you do it and when you do it and maintaining it without putting all your eggs in one basket at once.
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How does this kind of behaviour help to increase confidence in the individual too?
When you are in a couple- some people tend to think that they are half of a whole- that is fine. But I think you also need to hold onto a bit of independence and shaking it up a bit so that it isn’t always the same person who is organising everything. It gives you an opportunity to flourish in a relationship when complacency has set in. It gives people a sense of self awareness, confidence and a better sense of self-esteem as an individual and that lends itself to the relationship.
tagged in Partner Couples Relationship