Anonymous asks :
I recently got together with a guy who lives in my halls of residence. After months of flirting we eventually slept together. We were really happy, met each other’s parents and got on really well until I told him I was depressed and I started taking it out on him.
He spontaneously dumped me before he went home for the holidays, but we got back together after he asked me to visit, and we had a long chat and he told me that what he thought was love was actually just the feelings you get when you first met someone, and my depression had made it go away.
I felt the same about him now I'd been hurt and we decided to give it another go as we still wanted to be together. Since I got back home here, he won't take my calls and only replies to occasional texts.
I know he had been busy as his mum has him re-wiring in their new house and he has revision to do so I apologised for bothering him by buying him gig tickets, although I could tell something wasn't right.
I know his mum dislikes me as they are very well off, whereas I come from quite a poor family and I don't have a posh accent. He also refuses to talk to me when he's in her house. We then had a tiff about him taking photos of another girl with live with and saying how "fit" she is on Facebook for everyone to see.
His reply was "You know there are people out there much prettier than you". I was upset and humiliated and overdosed on tablets. I was okay after a night in A & E and text him to tell him everything.
I had no reply and found out later hehad gone on holiday and deleted me off Facebook with nothing to say to me at all. I can't help but think his mum has influenced him and I miss him like mad. He won't take my calls now and I don't know what to think.
Yin replies
Oh you really have been through it with him haven’t you - and it’s such a shame that he’s obviously so influenced by his mother’s values, but to be honest, you’re only assuming that. Is there the slightest chance you could be using that as an excuse for the fact that he’s just not that in to you?
He obviously finds you attractive if he’s got as far as flirting with you, and sleeping with you. So why he’s saying that about other girls being more attractive - it can only be some kind of self-defence attempt. He knows he’s done wrong and rather than apologise, he’s deflecting the criticism or accusation and he’s sending it back to you to deal with.
Don’t absorb things that people like this guy say to you. Try to learn to let it bounce off. Think rationally and try to ask yourself, what would anyone else think if they heard it?
Is it a normal, acceptable thing to say? No. You might miss him but he’s not good for you and so you should really work out how to step back and avoid inviting more hurt in to your life. It is your choice - you do have a choice about whether you let him in to your life.
Yang replies
OMG Why are you even wasting time thinking about what to think? This guy has prompted you to overdose on tablets, he’s battered your self confidence and made you feel inferior infront of his own mum - and you already know she doesn’t approve of the relationship.
Why persist? Why even engage in a conversation with someone who would treat you like this? Especially as you suffer from depression - if you have before, you might well do again, and it hardly sounds as though he’s convinced you that he’d be there for you.
You need someone quite different to this guy - on so many levels. He’s clearly immature, vain, self-obsessed and not worth your attention. Just cut him loose, before he harms you any more.
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