Candice Does Not Want To Sleep With Her Husband Of One Year

10 April 2012

Candice asks :

I've been married for one year to a really wonderful man. We dated for two years before we got married. We had sex while we were dating, it was bad but I thought I would get used to it.
I thought it was a small price to pay to have such an awesome man, patient, attentive, respectful, responsible, etc. He has a really rough beard (even when shaved), his kisses have no rhythm and they are full of saliva.
The foreplay is really bad, I often ask myself "what on earth is he doing"? The intercourse itself is ok. I'm at a point now where I really don't want him to even touch me, we haven't had sex in 3 months. I DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM ANYMORE!
I feel really tired of pretending. Is it bad for me to want to enjoy kissing my husband? Is there anything I can do to fix myself or should I leave him? If I do leave him what reason can I give him?
This is really bad for a marriage and I can't tell him any of this because it's going to hurt him. Please help.

Yin replies

I really feel for you - you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place aren’t you. One year of marriage, and you feel like this. Well, firstly, you don’t have to have sex with him.
He might get fed up and walk, but maybe that’d easier for you than leaving him. But it’s also the coward’s way out. Make him so fed up of you and hurt that you don’t want to sleep with him that he eventually gives up on you or looks elsewhere. You say that you really admire him and like him, so there is obviously something there to work with.
It is possible to rediscover passion that is lost, but you seem to have never really felt it. I’m not really sure how you managed to get this far with it being so unsatisfying! You were obviously optimistic. In generations past, it was probably a very common problem - but they might not have slept together before they were married, when they had the chance to get out.
You’re right though, you can’t just pretend forever. You aren’t bad for wanting to enjoy kissing your husband, no. But you are bad if you don’t address it in a fair and kind way. It is not his fault that he’s bad - unless you think there are things he could do to make it more enjoyable and he’s not ever asked you what you like?
If it’s as simple as a lack of communication, then perhaps you should try working at it through therapy, such as Relate marriage counselling. You have to start with the sentence, 'I can tell him' and work out how.
Don’t do it in a critical way. Tell him the things you like, tell him how he makes you feel when he does certain things (if he doesn’t do them, make it up; he probably won’t realise).
Encourage him to actually shave his beard because it makes you sore. If he won’t, then you have reasonable grounds for saying there is an issue to resolve. If his mouth is full of saliva when you kiss, get him to kiss your body in 100 places instead, then kiss you. He might have dried up a bit by then!

Yang replies

If it’s any consolation, it’s just as easy to marry a man who you have great sex with and a year in to the marriage, realise you can’t stand him as a person. Which is worse?
With sex, and physical intimacy, it is possible to improve things - it’s easier than trying to chance someone’s personality, and fairer. Some women marry a man and then try to change their opinions and character. I think that’s a lot worse than admitting you hate his kissing or his beard, or his lack of rhythm in love making. Seriously, they are all workable.
BUT you’ve got to start dealing with it and work out how you can get him on board. Just don’t be tempted to level any criticisms at him or you’ll be on the backfoot from the beginning.
Getting a man to do what you want in the bedroom is all about filling him with confidence; then you can get to work. Get him to start by kissing your clitoris if he’s too wet - you won’t mind it so much down there, and if he complains, then you can ask him what the problem is and it might give you a way in.