Chantelle Thinks Her Partner Still Loves His Wife Of 20 Years

18 November 2011

Chantelle asks :

I'm 26 and my partner is 46. We've been together since last December after he asked me out. He has three teenage children and an ex of 20 years. They separated two and half years ago.
The six months before I came along, they'd started to get on again... she was thinking they were getting back together, he was thinking they were getting on again. News of my arrival obviously didn't go down well.
We've had a great relationship and apart from complications causing problems over the past few months everything has been good.
However, earlier this month I found some letters from his ex from when we first got together and found they'd slept together... however, for whatever reason he decided to stay with me (me unknowing this was going on obviously).
When confronted about the letters he said he didn't want to get back with her and it was all because she suddenly wanted him back but he chose me and wants to make our relationship work.
We've just got back from a great holiday and he's been amazing since (in fact he says me finding out has lifted so much of his shoulders)... however, I still have an underlying feeling of doubt and dread that really he still wants to be with her?

Yin replies

It’s fairly reasonable for someone to find it hard to just switch off from a 20-year marriage, one that produced three children. To walk away from all of that is obviously going to be hard, and it sounds as if he has tried to reassure you that he wants to be with you. Perhaps at the moment, that’s all you can expect.
It’s nearly a year, but a year in terms of a marriage splitting up is different to a year with two people who have no strings attached. Usually when couples separate, it’s not automatically assumed that they will divorce - the idea, legally, is that it gives couples a cooling-off period, so that they might work at getting back together.
Obviously his wife has approached it in this way but he has met you and so things are more complicated. It might be worth giving him the space to really decide what he wants - tell him you’re there for him, you want to be with him, you hope you can be together for the long term, but you need to be sure and so for that reason, you’d rather slow things down until things have calmed down for him. T
ell him you don’t want to get caught in the crossfire and be seen, by his kids, as the reason he didn’t get back with their mother. In the long-term, it could be easier for everyone. You don’t want to force him to commit too early, if you’re not sure where his heart lies.
If he’s made to be by himself and to really question what he wants, and you’re prepared to lose him in the pursuit of the truth, then you will be stronger for it, and better off, whatever the outcome may be.

Yang replies

Trust your gut instinct - even if you’re wrong about him wanting to be with her, your instinct tells you there is still something to be sorted out; that it’s not all as rosey and clearcut as he’s making it out to be.
He had three children with this woman and so he’s obviously going to have some bond with her, as the mother of his children. Maybe he did secretly want to give it one last shot, or maybe he was confused because he’d just met you but he did stick with you.
That much you know he’s not lying about. You can’t stick around with him to be the bit on the side though, always wondering if he’s going to go back to her - so maybe trying to get some kind of sign of commitment from him is the way forward.
I’m not talking marriage, but you could sound him out on how he sees the future panning out for you both.
If he resists, says it’s too soon, too complicated, back off and re-visit it a month or two later, but at some point, you’ll have to decide how much niggling doubt you’re prepared to live with.