Shannon asks :
I am 18 and I have been with my boyfriend for nearly three years. But about 2 years ago, I found out that he liked to look at porn. It would have been fine if he had told me, but instead he lied. Then it all came out into the open. We got through that and he said he would never do it again.
But recently he got a smartphone and as I was playing around with it, I discovered the same searches as on his laptop. He is denying this, but I just don't believe him because it's the same things as before.
I'm on the verge of ending my relationship and I really don't want to do that. He has helped me get through two rapes and years of abuse by my mother. I think this is where my trust issues come from. Please help because he is a great guy in every other way and I don't want to lose him.
Yin replies
It sounds as though you have a lot of history tied up in this relationship and you are elevating your boyfriend’s status because he has once been a crutch for you, and you are afraid to move on without him - because there is familiarity between you and he knows your history.
Knowing that, however, you would think that he would be even less likely to do something that would cause you more hurt, such as lying about looking at porn, when he knows you don’t feel comfortable about him creeping around you.
You’re not being unreasonable to ask him to be honest and to share what he’s doing with you - if you feel that you can’t trust him and he isn’t respecting you (lying to you, or keeping the truth from you is, effectively, not respecting you), then perhaps you are right in thinking it might be time to move on.
Most people who have one really bad side or a really annoying habit are great in every other way, but only you can decide how important that one grey area is. It sounds like you’ve been through enough already and deserve a break.
It might do you good to just start fresh, and perhaps seek professional counselling to go over your history of rape and of the abuse from your mother.
It’s healthier for you in the long run, not to put this on a boyfriend but to work through it with a professional and in your own time. You’ll probably have much better relationships if you can manage to do this.
See your GP for a starting point, because the NHS offers counselling services and it sounds as if your problems are still affecting your current life and relationships.
Yang replies
Are you just trying to make more problems for yourself? He doesn’t want to tell you about the porn because it’s his guilty pleasure; telling you would make it significantly less exciting - like a secret smoker or someone who stashes chocolate bars somewhere secret.
He wants it to be his secret. If you’re not actually bothered about him looking at porn, then where’s the problem in pretending you don’t know about it - play him at his own game.
He thinks you don’t know but you do - so tease him a bit, make him think he really does have it all his own way. It sounds as if you’d be losing your relationship for the principle of this.
If he’s a great guy in every other way, it might just be a little luxury to let him have.
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