emily deirden asks :
I’ve only recently come out of a three-and-a-half year relationship. After a week of us splitting up, my ex was already seeing another girl. It broke my heart as I thought there was still a chance of us sorting our problem out. However, recently I’ve been out with him a lot more, as we have the same friends but when we’re with each other it’s like we didn’t split. I told the girl he is seeing that I was still in love with him because she was a friend but not a close friend. I’m really unsure what to do! I think he loves me still, but I really love him and possible more so now, the fact he’s not mine! HELP!!!
Yin replies
Oh dear, this isn’t the first time I’ve encountered this problem, and why it always happens like this, it seems cruel. But you’ve got to hold on to one thing here - however strong your feelings are for this ex boyfriend, you have to bear in mind that although you wanted to make it work, and it was breaking your heart, he obviously felt it was time to move on.
Even if you’ve been out with each other as friends, and got on well, it’s no sign that your own problems are sorted - because obviously, for him, there was something that made him want to split. Who knows, it may even have been this other girl.
Perhaps he already knew her. I’m not saying this to upset you - more to try and just pose suggestions, to make you consider that you’re projecting your love on to him. You feel so much love for him that it’s almost inconceivable that he wouldn’t feel the same. And any friendly exchanges you have reinforce this idea you have that he loves you.
The fact is, if he does still love you, he will find a way to get back to you - without any help from you. You have to just take a step back and see what happens. But equally, it’s perfectly natural to feel more intensely about someone you have loved and lost, if you are suddenly faced with the prospect of them sharing that intimacy with someone else.
So many people who do split, insist they’re going to remain ‘best friends’ but when someone else does come along for one partner, it becomes much harder to keep that friendship going. What new girlfriend or boyfriend will be content to know you’re so close to an ex.
This is probably how his new girlfriend may feel, so don’t be surprised if things change between you all. Don’t fight it; for your own inner peace and confidence, just go with it. If he loves you, he’ll work it out.
Yang replies
Accept that it’s over. Or at least accept that it should be over. Whatever his reasons for jumping so quickly in to the arms of this other girl, you can do without him.
He’s either afraid of being by himself (so what makes him so much of an attraction to you if he doesn’t even enjoy his own company?) or you didn’t actually mean that much to him.
Either way, better to move on. Onwards and upwards. What were you thinking telling his new girlfriend you’re still in love with him? Noooo! Don’t do that, ever!
She’ll either tell him in some kind of warped version, making you out to be miss desperado. Or she’ll keep it to herself and hang on to him, out of stubbornness. Just like you - she’ll probably want him all the more if she thinks there’s competition. He’s just a man. Get over it.
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