goody2shoes asks :
Hi there.
There is a guy I’ve known for a long time who I quite like and sometimes I think he might like me too but I really don't know what he is thinking or wants. I am in my early 20s and I have known this guy since we were teenagers. I had a big crush on him and we kept in touch during university years through emails and occasional meet-ups as friends. I always felt quite fuzzy around him but assumed it was because of the crush I had on him when I was younger.
After graduating we would continue to meet, talk about our relationships with other people, even when I was in a long-term relationship myself. Since I have become single, I’ve been texting my old friend every day and he texts me. When we meet up, he pays for everything and opens doors for me. When we had a quick hug before going separate ways, he pulled me in and held me for longer, and later told me he liked the hug and he complimented me on my appearance for the first time. He told me he likes a girl with a really weird name (I happen to have a really weird name), and when I told him all the guys fall for my best friend, he told me “She is not the one I want to talk to every day, spend time with or give hugs to.” I obviously felt he was talking about me but we haven’t seen each other since and he does play hot and cold. He says he doesn’t like anyone at the moment and he sends lists of famous women to me, who he thinks are hot – but they are nothing like me! Also, I’m nothing like any of his exes.
He stops texting when it comes to something he doesn’t want to answer. I’m okay about that but sometimes he’ll suggest we get together and will ask me to suggest a date, then when I do, he just doesn’t reply until the next day. I’ve never met any of his friends, so for all I know, this could be how he treats all of his friends. I can’t stop thinking about him but don’t know if I really do like him. I’ve read articles about “signs he likes you” but none of them give me the impression he is in to me.
I would really like the opinion of someone who doesn’t know us. Maybe he likes the attention he gets from me, and the fact that he doesn’t have to impress me because he’s known me for almost 10 years. Maybe I’m just convenient. I’m used to being comfortable with guys I go out with, and fairly unromantic and cool, so these fuzzy feelings are making me act like a silly little teenager. Sometimes I make myself cringe.
Everything I’ve said is constantly ready to explode in my head – I don’t even know what I want, let alone what he wants. Finally, this guy is not a player; he’s kind of proud to be a cool ‘geek’. Thank you.
Goody2shoes
Yin replies
There’s a lot in there that is clearly confusing you but if you’re at the stage where you’re reading in to his actions and his body language etc., you obviously need to get your head around your own feelings before you dwell on his. Your feelings should be the driving force here, rather than you reacting to his. Do you want to have a future with someone who ignores ‘difficult’ texts?
Do you want to want to want to be tormented by lists of people he fancies? If you are hopeful of forming an intimate relationship with him, then challenge his tendency to retract from up front texts, and tell him you’d prefer to be open. Point of advice here – if you open up to him and tell him you’re confused, and he doesn’t reveal that he is interested in you, at least you’ll know what you’re dealing with. Better to know than to keep wondering. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll lose face?
It doesn’t sound as if you’d really lose a good friend, not by the way he acts sometimes. If it scares him off, then I think you sound as if you already know you’d be better off without him. It sounds as if it’s quite likely that he enjoys the attention you give him and yes, he may well be flattered, but if he really, really was in to you, he wouldn’t be ignoring your texts that suggest times to meet up. Guys who are in to a girl wouldn’t do that – he’s known you too long to need to play games like that.
Be honest about how it frustrates you and see if you get any reaction from that. If it gets embarrassing, and you don’t want to admit you like him, it’s an issue that you can just say boils down to manners and decent behaviour between good friends.
Yang replies
Don’t confuse a pumping heart and a fuzzy feeling with love or the potential for a serious long-term relationship. You’ve almost said it yourself – you’re acting like a silly teenager and that’s probably because he is like an anchor to your past together.
Every time you see him, he instantly triggers the response in you that you would have had ten years ago. He’s a constant memory of the 16-year-old girl that’s inside you. We all have one that sometimes wants to be heard! Is she worth listening to, though?! You already know that he’s acting in a way that isn’t really normal for someone who wants to go out with you.
He might not be a player but he seems to enjoy playing games. The fact that you’re nothing like the famous women he fancies, or his exes, is irrelevant when it comes to the question of is he in to you – he could well fancy you but wants to keep you guessing. He actually tells you he’s proud to be a cool ‘geek’, does he? Sounds like someone who is really focusing on himself and as you say, you are convenient because he knows you have chemistry and you’re not complicated.
You have history but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t see why you’d want a future with him. The reason you can’t stop thinking about him is because of the challenge he poses. It’s exciting and it’s driving you mad – clearly!
You don’t convince me that you’re in love with him so don’t waste time worrying about his next move or his last text.
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